Hi baby
It’s your mom once again. I finally have a name for you and it is my happy place because you are my happy place! Lwandle, the Ocean. I write this note to you in sobs. I hate how I am feeling right now. A few minutes ago I had a fight with my mom, your grandma. I truly understand that she just wants what’s best for us even if it means not giving me what I need. I really just needed space to be alone.

I needed her to leave me alone and she just couldn’t. She had to force me to get a reaction out of me and she got it. I lashed out and cried. I want to protect you in every way that I can because I really don’t want to lose you. You’re incredibly important to me. I’m just not so sure about how important I am to myself. I’m tired of living Lwandle. I’m tired of suffering and constantly fighting to be happy. I’m really tired and I don’t want to keep doing this. I know that it’s really selfish of me because this means we both die or I could live long enough to let you live and then die afterward. 

But you see, I don’t ever want you to live without me. I know how brutal and hard the world can get. I’d hate for you to experience that without a mother and a life partner. I want to be here to make sure you’re as happy as you could possibly be. This definitely means that I’d sacrifice my happiness but I’m okay with that because I’m your mother and that’s what mothers do – sacrifice. I’ve sacrificed so much to let you live, I’m willing to sacrifice even more because you deserve that much. I love you, baby. I will always, always love you!

I promise to love and protect you with all that I have and all that I am. You mean more to me than I could ever describe. Thank you for giving me so much to live for. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama. Thank you for always reassuring me that it will all be fine with your tiny kicks inside me. Thank you, thank you, and thank you, baby!