” Hee bhuti mna ndihamba nawe” on the speakers welcomed me with a blasting sound. The year is 2002. I’ve just turned 22, moved to joburg to chase greener pastures. Minutes I arrived , my cousin Viwe took me to Yeoville to a spot referred to as Rockafellaz to expose me to the johannesburg entertainment scene as I asked. Yeoville was a vibrant place, all these bars and restaurants on Rockey streets had eventually replaced the deteriorating Hillbrow. It was the place to be. As an artist I was told that indeed the right time to network was through night-life. I couldn’t agree more.

Rockafellaz was filled with all these celebrities i’ve always saw on TV. Brenda fassie was there with her lesbian lover. I was informed that she’s one of the actors from yizo yizo 2. They were drinking Hansa and brenda undeniably sucking the life out of the cigarette she held onto her right hand. I felt sorry for the cigarette. Dj fresh and khabzela were on the decks playing House songs. The crowd was going wild. It was Joburg man, people were just dancing the night away.

One thing that really bothered me was how Dj khabzela had grown to being nearly a fossil. Allegedly the fast life was eventually catching up to him- promiscuity, alcohol and excessive partying. Dj cleo as a newly promising producer and disc jockey was just next to them carrying a bottle of water. “Wait he doesn’t drink?” I posed that question internally. While in that mode of observing the environment and those untold chronicles of the night-life, Viwe patted on my back and gave me a dumpie of black label. “Zamalek” was my favourite beer. The kwaito song named after Zamalek also formed part in my favourite tunes.

I told Viwe I needed to go outside and gasp air. I was lying , he didn’t know I smoked cigarettes and he was so judgemental of such act. I went outside with the intentions of smoking a cigarette. First thing i saw while getting out was a group of guys who looked my age, sniffing on a paper some glistening powder. ” So the usage of drugs is real?” I thought to myself. To top it all , while looking for a perfect spot to smoke, saw a famous TV presenter and some weird guy making it on and they looked unbothered when they saw me. ” Welcome to joburg buddy” was what I said to myself. Took out a cigarette and eventually smoked. A 20-something-year old angel came out of nowhere, wearing a skimpy crop top and some floral pants with dr martins boots and had braids up to her ass. Her voice was way out of this world. Funny enough she came into my direction together with her friends and asked for a lighter. ” Ungowam wena”( you are mine) were the words that ran through my head at that exact time as I passed the lighter to her.

As we shared a conversation. It turned out her name is Bee short for Buhle, she is a print model. I also introduced myself” I go by the name of Mtho , I am a storyteller” she didn’t quite get it. But later as we met in events and shows I would MC, Host , present , Act , Do photography and Videography. She eventually came to me and said ” what can’t you do?” I then replied that ” Confess my undying love for you” and that ladies and gentleman made me get the woman of my dreams. My wife of eleven years. Life was changing by then, we’ve both managed to acquire assets and to live comfortable .. However there was something lacking , kids. My inability to produce high-count sperm is the problem in this context. As a little kid, I would gladly spread my legs to the heater and the heat would eventually get to my testicles. I was warned by my mother numerous times but did I listen? No, I was too young to understand.

Only when I was in Matric , it got to me when we were told in Life sciences class based of the reproductive system chapter. “No wonder little sperm came out and my bladder hurted everytime I masturbated” that information enlightened my ever constant concern. Now it contributed to the demise of my more than a decade marriage. It’s been more than 5 years she left and re-married again. I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. Couldn’t we atleast opted for other options? Maybe adopt? No ” I want kids of mine”. ” Mthokozisi, you can’t give me what I want man” was what she said on the day she threw divorce papers at me and packed her bags. So this person was voluntarily willing to let go of a long standing 17 years union just because of something that can be fixed. However I heard her concerns and made peace with that.

The life we shared together from the streets of Yeoville, observatory, norwood, melville to Fourways was gone just like that? The ups and downs. Even worse the memories. Little did I know that day I met her in Yeoville would eventually cross to being the pinnacle of my depression … 

All this dawns on me while holding pills. Should I do it? Is it worth it? But I just can’t bear the pain anymore. Life without Bee is depressing. I take a bunch of pills and swallow them, suddenly my head feels dizzy …….