By Thembelihle (Lihle) Sehemo

Going back to the beginning of this journey three months ago when we were asked what we hoped to achieve, I remember that I said maturity, growth and new skills. When I stated these expectations I had not even a fraction of an idea of just how much of each I would be receiving. They told us to have expectations. They put us in that line, where you actually have to have expectations for yourself. For me when I got in I didn’t really have expectations, I was just looking to see. Once I started thinking about it I realised I did actually have expectations. I was hoping me being away from my mother then coming back to her, she would see me and think “Oh wow, she’s not a different person, but she’s grown.” That’s one big thing for me.

Looking back to the person I was three months ago and to the person I am now I see so much growth and maturity and self-confidence gained. I never imagined it possible in the short space of three months.

My first turning point occurred at the second camp, where the Canadians arrived and the introductions were made. We watched a documentary on HIV/AIDS, A Closer Walk, and that hit home in no way ever before.

Being fresh out of high school, the information on HIV and AIDS was still fresh in mind. All this knowledge raw, no experience to speak of. All this textbook knowledge stored up in my brain, helping create this argument that I knew the severity of the virus, but really I don’t think I knew. When the first scene opened up – a child dying of AIDS who was eight years old looked like he was only a couple of months old – it was then that I knew just what a sheltered life I lived. The child was unable to move or breathe properly because of all the aches and pains in his body. When I think of an eight-year-old I think of a vibrant, energetic, carefree child, not thin, frail, sore all over, and bedridden.

That’s what you associate with old people. This child is exiting this world before ever having had the chance to experience life, establish hopes and dreams for himself. I mean, he couldn’t even cry because he was so far gone. Seeing the child’s death coming ahead just made me realize how precious and defenseless children are. They need us to protect them. That child’s parents should have protected him from such pain and suffering because that is the job of the parent. At least that’s how I’ve understood it all my life from. From then on in I truly got a sense of just what I was getting myself into by doing this program. So for me that was just the first reality of this program. Wow, this is what I’m in. So the journey begins.

The other day, in my host family, I was sleeping, and my window was open, the top window, and I closed the curtains and the lights were off. In the middle of the night, somebody’s sticking their hand through trying to open it, and I thought it was one of the family members. I yelled at him to see what he was doing and the person went away, and I went to sleep. Three o’clock or so, the person comes back, and now it’s more urgent this time, trying to get things open, and I wake up and the curtains are wide open, they were closed and they’re wide open. This person’s trying to teach into the other window to open the other window to try to get tin. And I’m like “What are you doing!” and I’m screaming. And then this person looks at me, just have expectations, I was just looking to see. Once I started thinking about it I realized I did actually have expectations. I was hoping me being away from my mother then coming back to her, she would see me and think “Oh wow, she’s not a different person but she’s grown.” That was one big thing for me.

Looking back to the person I was three months ago and to the person I am now I see so much growth and maturity and self-confidence gained. I never imagined it possible in the short space of three months. My first turning point occurred at the second camp, where the Canadians arrived and the introductions were made. We watched a documentary on HIV/AIDS, A Closer Walk, and that hit home in no way ever before. Being fresh out of high school, the information on HIV and AIDS was still fresh in mind. All this knowledge raw, no experience to speak of. All this textbook knowledge stored up in my brain, helping create this argument that I knew the severity of the virus, but really I don’t think I knew. When the first scene opened up – a child dying of AIDS who was eight years old looked like he was only a couple of months old – it was then that I knew just what a sheltered life I lived. The child was unable to move or breathe properly because of all the aches and pains in his body. When I think of an eight-year-old I think of a vibrant, energetic, carefree child, not thin, frail, sore all over, and bedridden.

So I hadn’t had things like that happen to me, and when I got to the women’s conference I was surprised. And to hear that the police kinda condone it, silently condone it by not doing anything about it, or because you get to the police station apparently and the docket just gets lost. Or, you get to the police station and they ask you so why are you dressed like a man, first of all? What kind of question is that? How is that relevant to anything? So yeah, again, wow. This is the program. In the beginning it was difficult. Mostly because I just I didn’t fully know what I was getting into, I was kind of like just blinded by the prospect of going to Canada because I’ve always wanted to travel. And my relationship with my counterpart was just getting me down and I was missing my boyfriend. I didn’t want any of this. But I couldn’t go back because my mom would say, “I paid for you to get into this program, you’re gonna finish it.” You finish what you start. That’s what they’ve tried to put in me. So I stuck it through because there’s no getting out of it. And every day I was just hoping it would get better, and eventually it did get better. I had a bit of difficulty finding my place in the group, being fresh out of high school and used to different dynamics. Having never been in a work environment of this sort before, I had to learn to adjust to people’s personalities and characters, sensitive types and not stares at me, just stands there and stares at me. Then he slowly removes his hand, then he looks at me some more. I couldn’t take that – it was so scary – and then he sauntered off, he just walked off. He didn’t’ run, he didn’t nothing. He sauntered off. It was really terrible for me. It was frightening, I was very frightened. So I think it’s the worst experience I’ve had here. So my question was, to the Project Supervisors, “What has to happen before you can actually do anything about anything. Does one of us have to get raped? Does it have to reach that far before anything happens?” You know what actually is it, how does the program protect us? Because you say that the first priority is safety, and here my safety was put at risk, so how do you, you know? Nobody was actually able to answer that for me. Wow. Reality setting in. And here, when we went to the women’s conference, and the women, some of the lesbian women were going on stage and telling of their experiences, how they got raped and beaten and all that because they were lesbian. And it brought it home. I hadn’t had any experiences like that or knowing of any experiences like that, because I think with education and knowledge comes a bit of understanding and less ignorant responses. Because that’s basically what they are, ignorant responses because you don’t really like that knowledge and you’re scared of it. So people beat up lesbians, they curse at them because they don’t know, and all of that.

I think I have grown quite a bit. Mentally I’ve matured. Emotionally, in terms of, being stronger and use my principles and it what I stand for and in what I want for myself. Because you come into this program and there’s people from different cultural backgrounds, different beliefs, different lifestyles that they lead, and everybody’s trying to promote that lifestyle of theirs, that this is the way the truth and the life kind of thing. And you, the longer you listen, the more you kind of get sucked into that.

But then you move away and you think about it again, and you’re like, “no man” Yes they believe in this, yes they’re promoting it so much that it actually starts to make sense, but I if you go back to what you actually believe in and what is your ground layer and your reason for believing in that, you’ll see that it’s not for you. My views, beliefs and principles were challenged. Life is like this, you’re being naive by remaining in this belief of yours and they want to change that. And I refuse, because I have no misconceptions of what life is like, I know what it’s like but I refuse to accept that reality for myself because

I believe that you make your own reality. Within the community one of the issues that were identified is the lack of education. I see many women start getting pregnant before finishing school, a lot start drinking and stuff, and then drop out of school. I don’t know, priorities are not set straight, and I think if so sensitive. Sometimes I found it was a challenge to get past what we had all learned and been brought up with in order to become more critical. I think we have started to find the confidence to all voice our own true opinions.

At last but very important challenge was allowing the group to experience my full personality. I have the type of personality you love then hate then learn to love again. I just feared there just wasn’t enough time on the group for them to learn to love it again. And now I’m at that stage kinda where things are actually happening, and I’m able to make things happen and I’m feeling useful. I think I’ve definitely bettered my leadership skills in the roles that I’ve had to play, like this planning the farewell. I’ve had to take the leadership role because of language reasons. I’m the only one who speaks Xhosa between the three of us, so they come to me with basically everything; I have to be there for everything.

All in all the program on the South Africa side was a blessing to me, a necessary step for growth as I didn’t get any special treatment or anything like that as I’m used to. At first I half-interpreted this as an express dislike of me by my Project Supervisors. This however benefited me as now I am more aware of various elements in my behaviour. For one, that I am self-centered! I now feel ready to tackle these elements head-on.