I walk up and down the house.

I will have to get rid of it.

I throw myself on the couch, get up again.

But the thing is, I love babies. Especially lately. Three houses from us the oldest daughter has a four-month-old little girl. The cute size of the baby clothes are enough to make me go, ‘Aaaah’. I have been skipping faster to catch up when the mom is walking to the shop with the baby on her back, her little cheek squashed flat against her mother’s spine while she sleeps. And if the tiny girl is awake and she sees me she has these widening eyes and this rumpled little smile.

Sometimes I stop to watch them in their rocking chair, or whatever you call that thing, with the baby’s eyes in the shade so the sun can’t hurt them, her little tummy swollen from milk. And those tiny feet! There is something about those fingers and toes that actually makes me want to cry. I get tears in my eyes. Seriously. I love babies.

And I love my boyfriend, even if he is a bit macho in the way he thinks. He has the most incredible straight jawbone and broad, velvet chest. He has these muscles in his neck. And his fingers on his camera buttons and switches are confident and nimble. They give him some kind of exciting power. He knows it.

I put on my pyjamas.

I know you’re not supposed to moon over men like this. I am a good strong woman and I am serious about finishing my bachelor of social science and then going on to work in an ethical, well run NGO. I have my own pride, my own hopes … but Phaka is charismatic. Sometimes I want to drown in him.

I hate admitting this, even to myself, but I admire him so much. He applied for a bursary at this disgustingly expensive film school and he got it! He makes money on the weekends shooting wannabe models and weddings. He gets three grand for one wedding.

Look, Phaka is amazing. I would be proud to have him as my husband.

What the hell am I thinking! What is happening to me? I go into the bathroom and splash water on my face.

***

Tell us: Is Phaka likely to want to marry Bulelwa because she is pregnant? Should he?