When Kamvi opened her eyes she realized it was Monday morning. It felt as if she had been awake most of the night. Her mouth was dry, and she had a headache. She also felt nauseous, and the feeling reminded her of the way she had felt in the beginning, a long time ago.

During those first weeks of pregnancy it had been winter, and she remembered how she had crept out of bed to go to the bathroom, while all her friends were deeply asleep beneath their many blankets. She had sat through hostel breakfasts, and nibbled on a piece of dry toast, and no-one had noticed. They had been too busy gossiping and laughing, while she had sat sipping black tea, trying to close her nose against the smell of mielie pap and strong coffee.

It seemed like a lifetime ago. And now it was getting light so early. She tossed off her blankets and lay still, with closed eyes. Kamvi knew that trouble was waiting for her this morning, and so she said a prayer, asking for forgiveness.

“Oh God,” she whispered, “I’m sorry for everything. Please don’t punish me or anything. Please don’t let anything be wrong. Go wrong. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”

Kamvi held her breath while her hands crept beneath her pyjamas and pressed against the skin of her smooth belly. She let her breath escape slowly through dry lips and sighed softly, “I don’t know what to do”.

Yesterday, Sunday, Kamvi had gone to church in the morning, as she always did, with the other students in the hostel. She sang in the choir. That was her favourite thing. She was very good at it. Kamvi knew that about herself. She could sing like an angel.

At church the preacher had gone on about sin, like he always did. He always preached about the evils of the society in which they lived. There certainly were plenty of those, that fact Kamvi would never deny. But at the same time she felt tired of always listening to the same thing, and so instead she listened to Cynthia’s whispers about the boys in the opposite pew. The two of them slumped low on the wooden bench, near the back, and had a hard time suppressing their giggles.

In her Life Orientation classes the teacher also always added the sin word to their discussions. She did that especially when she taught them about sex. Or ‘sort-of-sex’, as Cynthia called it, giggling, because in Life Orientation sex was a word on a page, nothing more.

The sex Kamvi had experienced had been quick, in the dark, and silent. It was like she had seen nothing, felt nothing, thought nothing, and then it had been over.

As a result, for a long time afterwards Kamvi had still thought of herself as a virgin. She had felt as if nothing had ever happened. Those short, sharp encounters she had had with Yanda surely did not qualify her as being ‘sexually active’.

Kamvi never even told Cynthia about it. She never told anyone. It was like not even Yanda knew, because when they saw each other afterwards, their eyes didn’t meet.

That would be a sin, like going for an injection would be, or taking the pill. Even condoms were for girls who slept around and could get HIV.

She and Yanda had hardly been able to see each other, there in the dark room of her cousin’s house during the June holidays. He had told her he loved her, and that he wanted to show her how much.

It only happened twice, both times on a Friday night, after youth, when everyone was out at the tavern next door.

Kamvi’s eyes blinked open, the birds were still singing loudly, and she looked around. Everyone was still sleeping, and so she continued lying in bed. “The thing is”, Kamvi whispered to herself again, “I just can’t believe that no-one has noticed. I feel as fat as a pig, but I guess everyone has their own issues.” She sighed deeply.

A loud bell sounded in the hostel and a few girls groaned and turned over. Cynthia turned towards her. Kamvi pulled her duvet back over her stomach and smiled.

“Something tells me today is going to be a Blue Monday,” she said as she sat up.

“Yeah,” said Cynthia, holding her head. “We may as well go down and get it over with.”

***

Tell us: What do you think of the religious idea that having sex before you are married is a ‘sin’?