Anti-depressants?

Why is Felecia sending me anti-depressants? Is she trying to hint that my life must be really depressing compared to hers?

Self-centred, smug bitch! I can tell you, my life is just fine, thank you very much! I love school even if Matric studying is stressing me out. And I love being with my family, especially now it is back to the four of us. And I love my home. Who cares if the furniture is old and tatty? And best of all, I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me – even if I drive him a bit crazy at times.

No ways do I need anti-depressants! And just to prove it, I get back into my history studies with a smile. I want to have at least two chapters sorted before Jabs comes round this evening.

In fact, I manage to get three chapters done. And done well; the material is all clear and organised in my brain. Ready for exam questions. So I am feeling great when Jabs knocks on our door.

Except Jabs walks in and he’s not acting like a loving boyfriend. Not one bit. No, he’s acting all business-like and sensible and serious. The way he acts when he’s talking to the guys at school or one of the teachers.

He doesn’t even kiss me hello – although my mom and my kid brothers are out shopping.

I sit down on the sofa, hoping he’ll sit next to me. But instead he walks across to the upright chair and sits down there.

I feel hurt. I say, “Jabs, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m sorry I slammed the door behind you.”

But Jabs shrugs, like he doesn’t care. In fact, he is only interested in Felecia’s pill-packet.

“Right,” he says. “These pills were prescribed for your cousin. Her name is written there: Felecia Mazibuko. Is there any reason why your cousin would need anti-depressants?”

Felecia depressed? Why on earth would she be depressed? She has everything she could possibly wish for, surely? Unless – unless she is being bullied at her posh school? I know people who get bullied can get very depressed.

Or maybe she feels lonely and isolated there in her fancy bedroom in her fancy suburb? I mean, up until four years ago, she lived here with us. Seven of us, all crowded together. Now there’s only her and her brother and Auntie Sisi and Mr Bucks. And maids. And Auntie Sisi is always off shopping or getting her nails done. And Mr Bucks is out making money with his businesses. And Conrad spends all his time playing Xbox.

Even if Felecia goes outside, there are never people walking in the suburb streets. Everyone is locked up inside their houses or their cars. It’s not like here in the township where you walk three steps down the road and already there is someone stopping to greet you or have a conversation.

So maybe loneliness is making her depressed?

Or maybe it was battling with Matric work? You know, before Mr Bucks and Auntie Sisi said she didn’t have to write. Some woman came to our school to give us a lecture about how to cope with Matric. And how to watch out that we didn’t get depressed. She gave us a whole check list of signs to watch out for. Like: ‘sleep disturbances; trouble remembering stuff; no longer enjoying things that used to make you happy; a sense of hopelessness’. Those are the signs I remember.

The woman said depression was a danger at this stressful time in our lives. She said some students ended up committing suicide. Imagine!

“Or maybe there is no particular reason at all,” Jabs says now. He’s still sounding serious and sensible. As if there is no connection between us.

And I’m wondering: Is this the end of us? Is he just pretending nothing is wrong cos he doesn’t want me to go off the deep end and start getting wild and emotional? Or does he just have his head in the clouds as usual, not seeing what’s right in front of him? Yes – maybe that’s my answer.

He continues, “I was reading all about depression on the Net, Neo. And it seems sometimes people get what is called ‘reactive depression’. That means they are reacting to some trauma in their lives. Like a death or an accident or some deep stress.

“But then there is a condition called ‘clinical depression’. And with this kind, there is absolutely no reason for it. They think it is just faulty chemicals in the brain.”

He comes to sit beside me now. That makes me feel better. I rest my head on his shoulder.

I say calmly, “Clinical depression? Do you think that’s what Felecia has? Because she surely doesn’t have any good reason to feel depressed. My poor cousin.”

And I truly feel sad for her. Poor little rich girl. It must be an awful thing to feel down and hopeless for no good reason.

But Jabs is still focused on the pill packet.

“Just look at the prescription date. See? Twenty-fifth June. Didn’t you say she was having an island holiday over June and July? Maybe that island holiday was a lie? Maybe she never went anywhere near the Seychelles?”

And yes, I can see the date scribbled on the packet, just under Felecia’s name. And below the date, another name is there. Clearly printed: ‘St Theresa Clinic’.

St Theresa Clinic!? I can hardly believe what I am seeing.

I know all about St Theresa Clinic. At school we joke about it. We say things like, “Calm down or you’ll end up at St Theresa’s,” or, “Stop acting like you belong in the lock-up ward of St Theresa’s.”

St Theresa Clinic is a mental health facility just past some farmland on the main road to Jozi. A ‘loony bin’, a ‘nut-house’, the boys at school call it.

Did my cousin end up there? I feel sick at the thought. Was that where she disappeared to for two months? I’m not surprised Auntie Sisi didn’t want us to know. I’m not surprised Auntie Sisi made up the Mauritius story.

And yet – and yet it seems Felecia wants me to know the truth. Why else did she hide those pills in my cardboard box?

Jabs puts the pill packet on my lap and gets up. “I’m off, Neo. I promised Kago I’d help him with his maths. Bye.” And he is gone, just like that. Not even kissing me goodbye, not even giving me a goodnight hug.

I tell myself it’s OK. I tell myself not to stress and get upset. Jabs acts like this sometimes when he has things on his mind. Like helping Kago with his Maths. Kago failed mid-year. Badly. And Kago is one of Jabs’s best friends.

And I decide: tomorrow I will go to St Theresa Clinic. Maybe I can find out there what has been going on with my cousin.

***

Tell us what you think: People often joke about patients in mental hospitals. Why? Is it fair to do this?