May 05 2012 5:00 AM

Dear Jane

Yep, you guessed it − it’s Saturday and you know what that means… Christopher Van Rooyen. I can’t wait to see him. He called last night and asked if there was anything specific I would like for him to bring me and I said, “Anything”. I mean really, what could I ask for? What would you have asked for, Jane? It’s too late to get a doll or a bicycle, but now that I think about it, I would like roller skates. To have fun with. But it’s too late to tell him now, so ja. I don’t know why, but I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately and it gives me shivers. The days we spent in the garden and the days we spent in the house, all that is coming back and it makes me feel fuzzy. But I don’t wanna hope too much. I think now that we’re ‘dating’, things are different.

He hasn’t kissed me yet, since our first date, and I don’t think we’ll be fucking either − I mean, making love − so I can just kiss that fantasy good bye. But I guess it is only our second date, so I think I should just chill.

When we were working together we had Tuesdays to ourselves. He would never book me on a Tuesday, doesn’t matter even if it was a high roller from Houghton or just a fellow from Kempton Park, Tuesdays were off limits. We’d just chill and do nothing. Well we would have sex most times. Some days he’d take me out for a movie or something to eat, and then we’d just get high and fuck. He hates it when I say we ‘fuck’ and I need to drop that, because it makes him mad. But really that’s what we do: we fuck. I explained to him that I don’t know what love feels like, so I can’t say we’re ‘making love’. Sometimes I say we’re ‘sleeping together’ just so I don’t upset him.

I’ve never thought of Chris as a boyfriend, but then again I don’t know what a boyfriend is like, so I have nothing to compare anything with. But he calls every two days and he’s here every Saturday, and says he’ll do that till I get out. When will that be? He was really upset about the attempted suicide. I’ve never seen him that angry before. I guess you’ve earned the right to know about it Jane, you are my one true friend.

So we were living together, Chris, me, Gina, and Pearl. We all worked for Chris and we lived in his house. Obviously I had special treatment from him and it drove the girls crazy because I was a nobody, and I had no desire to be anybody special.

I was content with my life the way it was. I had a roof over my head, food in my tummy, and I worked. I didn’t look down on my work like Gina and Pearl did. I enjoyed it. I had a good life and I was happy. But somehow everyone was on my case, telling me how I was just wasting my life. Chris was nicer in saying it, but that was basically the gist of it. They said I could be anything I wanted to be, and I could go far and make something of myself, instead of sitting around getting high and being fucked.

They asked some hectic questions and made some valid points. I mean, what did I think I was gonna do for the rest of my life? I won’t be young forever and I can’t keep doing what I’m doing for long. Soon I’ll be old and saggy and no client will want to touch me, so then what?

It started being an everyday thing, to a point that even some clients started saying it. Some even made me job offers to work for them as their PAs, and others said I should act or model. But I didn’t want to do all that; I just wanted to be left alone to be myself. So when it got too heavy I started using more. I started locking myself up in my room and not going out or seeing anybody for days.

It drove Chris insane. He used to stand outside the door and beg me to open up. Sometimes I think he would cry. I only opened up when I would run out of snow and he wouldn’t wanna give me, and I would tell him I’m not fucking anyone if I don’t have blow. Then I would go see a client, get more, then lock myself up again. I wouldn’t eat for days and I was starting to get sick.

That’s when I decided to do it. Why put poor Chris through all that trouble? I would kill myself so he could move on with his life and be rid of me. I would never be any of the things they wanted me to be. I didn’t want to be.

So Gina finally said it one evening when we were out for dinner. We went out on Sundays to any place we chose. We took turns choosing and that Sunday was Pearl’s choice. She obviously chose Sandton Square. She loved business, and she was always looking for clients, even when there was no need. She wanted an opportunity to be discovered, and she wasn’t going to wait around for it. It was in Sandton Square that Gina said I was useless − that I was a talented, young and beautiful girl with a lot of potential and I was just wasting it. Why didn’t I just kill myself instead of wasting space and oxygen?

When we went home that evening, after I had drunk two bottles of wine by myself, I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills and I slept. Stupid me, I forgot to lock the damn door. Guess I was too wasted. So Chris found me the next morning when he brought me breakfast. He figured I wasn’t going to join them seeing I was high last night. So ja, I woke up in hospital with Chris by my bed. He looked like he hadn’t washed in days.

Saved by the bell. It’s 6 and I must go shower.

Later, Jane.


Tell us what you think: Why did Catherine want to commit suicide?