April 28 2012 09:00 PM
Wow! I had a super cool day ☺. Chris came and he brought me flowers, sunflowers. They were a lovely gesture and I love them. He was wearing washed-out blue Levi jeans and a blue golf shirt and blue and white sneakers. I wonder if he wore blue just for me − it is my favourite colour. He looked young and fresh. He had shaved and his hair was combed for once, cut clean and sexy. He looked like a real businessman out on a Saturday afternoon. We sat in the garden and had a picnic. He brought the works: checked red-and-white blanket, the basket with food, drinks and snacks. We’re not allowed alcohol so he brought JC Le Roux sparkling. It is alcohol-free and it tasted lovely. We had beef lasagne and some crackers with cheese spread. It was beautiful. We made a toast − to our first real ‘date’ ☺☺☺.
I think I’ll leave you on that cheerful note, dear friend. I’ll have a good night sleep tonight. My heart is doing major double flips and I can’t stop grinning.
Sweet dreams, Jane.
May 02 2012 15:00 PM
Since I saw Chris I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I have been spending a lot of time on my own lately and reading anything I can get my hands on. It’s not like I don’t enjoy the group’s company. They’re a great bunch and we have a lot of fun together, but what I really want to do right now is sit in the garden by the pond and read.
I thought I had it rough, but damn, some true-life stories I read in magazines make me hate myself for trying to commit suicide. So what if my mom never loved me and my dad abused me? At least he never raped me or pawned me out, like happened to some of these girls in the stories I read. And my mom did keep me. She carried me for nine months because I think she believed in a future for me. All this hatred I’ve felt for her over the years made me make some really dumb decisions. Maybe that’s why my life is fucked up. I think I’m being given a second chance here and if I don’t grab it then I’m no better than any dope head out there.
Chris believes in me. That’s why he brought me here to get help, and to improve my life. Louise thinks I have too much self-loathing to even appreciate the little things. She says Chris loves me; like really, truly digs me. I don’t know hey − who would love a piece of shit like me? If my parents didn’t, and I don’t, then why and how could he possibly love me? Self-loathing my ass. I call it reality, my reality. Why lie to yourself and tell yourself you’re all that, when you’re not?
I was bright in school yes, but I was never gonna be no scientist or lawyer or doctor. I didn’t even know what I wanted to be or do. I never had aspirations like other kids because I knew I was nothing special. I’m not looking down on myself. I’m just a realist. The strange thing is, Gina says I’m stuck up and I think I’m the queen bitch, better than everyone else, but I’m not. She has dreams and aspirations to be somebody in life. She wants to be a singer, but truth be told, she can’t sing. Well the style she wants to sing doesn’t suit her voice, but if she got a trainer to help her then I’m sure she could achieve those dreams. But who listens to a crack whore? That’s why she says I’m Little Miss Perfect. ‘Realist’ dear Jane. Learn the word and use it.
On the other hand there’s Chris, and Louise, and Rick, who think I’m something special and so maybe I don’t know what to think. So you see I’m all confused and I don’t like thinking much but it’s all I do lately. So I will just sit here and read what I just wrote and then feed the ducks till they call me in for dinner. All this thinking makes a girl wanna take just one line of blow. But there’s none around, so I’ll just read.
Tell us what you think: Do you think Chris truly loves Catherine?