In about two hours from now I’ll be meeting with Sebastian! Yes, I’m counting the seconds as they pass… very slowly, I have to say.

“A watched pot never boils,” Tee keeps on saying, as if I hadn’t heard her telling me this a dozen times before. She reckons that watching TV with her will make the waiting bearable – but her plan is not working for me. I can’t just sit in front of the TV when I’m feeling like this. If I sit there I’ll find myself twiddling my thumbs aimlessly, and that’s not what I want to do. I am acting strange, I know it. I mean I can’t sit still for a minute without instinctively stealing a look at my watch. (The one he bought me last year to make up for not calling me on my birthday!)

I just wish I was not so nervous and panicking about meeting him. I don’t even know why I have to feel this nervousness – it’s crappy! I’m sure wherever he is, he is just chilled and not sweating it at all. But, hey, what can I say one cannot control how they feel, it’s the way of life.

Tee says I am acting like someone who’s going to meet (for the first time) someone she met on Random Chat (an app on Mxit).

“Is that where you met your Benny, Ben 10?” I thought it was mean and unreasonable for me to bring Simphiwe up again but Tee just laughed it off. She knows how I tend to lash at people when I feel under pressure.

I just hope I won’t lash out at Sebastian.

Today I just want to speak to him and solve whatever misunderstandings we have. The fighting has dragged on for far too long – thanks to stupid me! Seb has been asking to meet me and I kept coming up with excuses. If you were to ask me why I did it I wouldn’t know.

I guess I did it to hurt him for meeting with his ex behind my back (although he insists that nothing is going on between them) and in the end I ended up hurting myself. Still the mystery is not solved, I mean if there’s nothing going on why the secrecy then? Why was I not invited to their little tea party? Why did he antagonize me as if I was the one who was wrong, whilst it was that tramp who didn’t mind her business? It doesn’t add up at all, but I promised myself that I won’t fight.

I missed him too long for me to keep fighting him any longer – but that’s only a secret we will keep between the three of us, you, I and my diary. He still thinks I am angry at him. I made him sweat before I could agree to meet him; I even lied to him saying I was busy. I now regret it, coz if I hadn’t done that I would be in his arms. But I wanted him to sweat it out first. Tee says that was a dumb move.

I don’t care though; I am going to make up for that ‘dumb move’ by throwing my hands around his neck and kiss the bloody life out of him. I hope that catches him off-guard, I read somewhere that men like a challenging lady.

A watched pot never boils, Tee says. I thought maybe writing this entry would help move the time a bit faster, but it seems to have worsened my longing for his yummy lips.

Dish it: What can I do now?

The Diary of Zinzi Zwane is on Facebook too.

ZZ xxx