I am really not in the mood for conversation tonight, so yea my phone is off and my room is locked. The only thing that makes me immune to this cold loneliness I am feeling is the soothing voice of Yrsa Daley-Ward, a British poet, model and actress, who resides here in Cape Town. I just want to have me some me-time. Yes! That’s exactly what I need; time to think out my life and get a few things straight.

If things are going to be like this forever, then I better not be alive. What good is life if I keep on failing it, huh? What good is going on if all your tries go unseen, your cries remain unheard like sirens ringing afar in the mountains? You put an extra energy and go the extra mile but still you are not able to do it – your tries are never good enough.

Now mom is on my case, again! Just because I failed a mere test. I don’t know since when is 48% a fail. Mum insists that’s not good enough. It’s not like she has never failed. Now she wants to act all perfect with me. That’s frustrating me even further. That’s what makes me feel like nobody loves me.

How many blows can one take on the month of her birth? I feel like I’m being attacked from all directions. She better stop nagging me and start supporting me. That’s not too much to ask from the one “who carried you for nine-months,” is it?

I know I might not have Sim’s and dad’s crackerjack brains, but I do try my best to pass…

Now I’ve been punished – no more Sebastian until the exams are over. If only mom knew that it is not a punishment anymore; I also do not want to see him.

ZZ xxx