Mom stands behind me, watching me quietly as I am swallowed by the familiarity of my own bedroom. It almost feels as if it was a different person who stayed in here. Like it isn’t even decorated in my style any more. And yet everything is as I left it. The note, though, is no longer on the desk where I left it.

“I used to convince myself something that you weren’t really gone. That you’d come back. Or I’d find you here when I opened the door. Maybe sometime we could redecorate?” she offers with a small smile.

I nod. My room reminds me so much of my past. I want to start everything over. It reminds me that I still need to go and see Nozi. I missed her so much when I was gone. I hope she can forgive me for ignoring her for Mr Hlomla.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything? Maybe just a glass of water.”

“I’ll get it myself.”

She nods and makes way for me in the corridor. “Goodnight,” she says.

“Goodnight, Mom.”

***

The bright sun wakes me up. My body is sore from sleeping for so long. It feels like I’ve been sleeping the whole day. It almost feels too good to be sleeping in my own bed again. Like everything isn’t real. Like it’s a dream and I’ll wake up from it.

The familiar smell of hot chocolate dances in the air when I walk down the passage. I can hear Mom humming a song of joyous celebration when I pad closer.

She is wearing her favourite apron. The black one with all those hideous flowers decorating it. I smile when she notices me standing there. It’s been a while since I have seen her like that. I had almost forgotten what she looks like happy. I didn’t have many nightmares when I slept. I think, for the first time in a while, I slept quite peacefully. I’d wake up now and again, scared to sleep on my stomach because of the baby and then I’d remember that there’s no baby. But I’ve slept better than I deserve. Mom welcomes me in with her own smile. For the first time in forever, her smile meets her eyes.

“I’m making your favourite,” she says in a sing-song voice and I almost chuckle at how happy she is. It is infectious. “Pancakes and hot chocolate.” She pulls out one of the high counter chairs for me. I join her on the other side of the kitchen island. She flicks the pan in the air, catching the pancake again.

“You’ve never taught me how to do that!” I can’t help but join her excitement. Her happiness grows when she hears me speaking to her again. She laughs and does it again. “One day you’ll know how. Just watch.”

Mom sets the plates on the table and we both eat silently. It isn’t an uncomfortable silence like before. It’s almost as if we are content with where we are. Her eyes retain the same warmth they had before things fell apart. I can almost see the circles under her eyes disappearing. She looks free.

Weide is as quiet as I left it. The blue ‘Go George’ bus passes me by. Mom offered to give me a lift or bus fare, but I chose to walk. I need to clear my mind. I need to figure a lot of things out. I need to talk to myself.

I pass the familiar set of swings in the park on Formosa Street. The streets are quiet and empty. You’d swear no one lives here. It’s so different from Hillbrow. It feels strange to walk freely on the road without mean taxi drivers hooting furiously and shouting at me. In Hillbrow everyone always seems as though they’re rushing off to somewhere. Like we are in a hurry to get away. Only the sound of my own footsteps echo in the empty road.

The sky is clear too. The weather is cool and promising. It’s freeing being around this area again. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t inhale the stench of sewerage. I hook my thumbs in the back pockets of my jeans and pick up my pace as I approach Nozi’s house. The tall white house stands almost isolated at the end of the street. Elona, Nozi’s younger sister, is playing in the yard. She looks up and smiles when she sees me.

“Sis’Yenzo.” She beams excitedly, opening the gate for me. I pick her up in my arms and spin her around. She still is no older than four years. She is heavy in my arms as she giggles.

“How are you, Elo?”

The door of the house is slightly open but I knock anyway. I have been here many times. I wait anxiously for the footsteps that approach the door.

“Yenzokuhle!” Nozi’s mother is shocked when she sees me standing at the door with Elona by my side. Elona rushes inside and I am left standing there with her mother.

“Molo, mama,” I greet. She is excited to see me. I thought she would be angry with me, like the rest of the world should be, for leaving the way I did.

“Look at you!” She grabs me by the arm and locks me in a tight embrace. I struggle to breathe. I giggle as I pry myself out of her arms. She hugs me again and kisses my lips. “How are you, mntanam?” she asks, her eyes tearing with excitement. I am also happy to see her. She’s been like a mother to me for so long. I spent more time at Nozi’s house than I did in my own home.

I nod, struggling to give her a coherent response as I catch my breath. Her hand covers her mouth. She spins me around and, after a long while of inspecting me, I am free to get inside and search for my friend Nozi.

Nozi is sitting on her bed. Her legs are crossed. Her braids fall over her shoulders as she focuses on her hands. She is applying nail polish. She hasn’t heard me come in. Her pink pillows are stuffed behind her. Even though she looks like she hasn’t properly woken up yet, her room looks neater than I remember. Her books are piled neatly on the study desk. Her slippers are placed carefully on the mat next to her bed. It still smells like lavender in her room.

“I guess some things don’t change, huh.”

She springs to her feet when she sees me. She knocks both of us down as she throws herself at me, catching me off balance. We both laugh loudly at our ridiculousness. She still wrestles me to a hug that takes all my breath away. I can’t believe I am seeing her again; for a while I thought, she too would be part of the lost memories.

“Yenzo, is this you?” she tears up the same way her mother did and forces another hug as though this is their family tradition. “Oh my God, I’ve missed you so much! When did you come back? Does your mom know you’re here? Are you okay?” She bombards me with a million questions at once. I struggle to my feet as she helps herself up too. Although it is a little after midday, Nozi is still in her pink pyjama shorts and a white vest. Her braids are held back by a headband. Her eyes are saucers.

“I’m here,” I finally say when we’ve both calmed down from the excitement. She doesn’t look as mad at me as I assumed she would be. She looks more pleased to see me than anything else. I’m so glad to be back home.

Nozi fills me in on what has been happening at school while I wait for her to take a shower. She tells me everything that has happened. It sounds like I have been gone a decade.

“Should I wear this one, or that?” she asks after she comes out of the shower and tries to choose between two outfits. They both look the same to me. They are both pink, her favourite colour.

“I still think you’re too old for pink.” I tease her the same way I used to.

She swats my arm. “Choose already!”

I choose the plain cerise pink dress that has always looked good on her. Nozi, having perfect curves and all, looks magnificent in that dress. “What’s the occasion?” I ask.

“Duh, we’re going out. We need to take a walk or go to the mall. Sandals or pumps?”

“Sandals,” I decide. They will go well with her dress. “I don’t really feel like going out to the mall,” I admit, glancing around her room. It still looks the same although she has put up more pictures.

“We’ll take a walk, then. We have a lot to talk about.”

***

Although it is a little chilly now, the weather is still great. Nozi drapes her cardigan around my shoulders when she notices me shiver.

We pass Formosa Street. I am not really sure of where we are going, but we seem to be walking as far as our feet will carry us. I’m just glad to have her back, by my side.

“How are things between you and Rodney?” I look up to gauge her reaction. She chuckles disbelievingly and shakes her head.

“You know, I really thought he was the one.” She runs a hand through her braids, removing them from her face.

Rodney been the epitome of a good guy before I left. He was all Nozi talked about when we still hung out. I didn’t think they would ever be history.

“He turned out to be just like every other guy out there,” she shrugs her shoulders. “But what can we do? That’s life.”

She’s changed. She’s different from the Nozi I used to know.

“What did he do?” I ask as we approach Merriman Street.

She is quiet for a while, then stops walking. “You remember Siluthando, the one in Grade 11?”

I nod. I remember her. Siluthando was a tall girl who always wore her hair short. I’d never really spoken to her, but I know that she played netball and was quite popular at our school.

“I remember her.” I kick a stone in front of me and then pick it up and throw it ahead of us. Nozi plays with the bracelet on her right wrist.

“He cheated on me with her,” she tells me. She doesn’t sound as hurt as I supposed she would be. “I mean, it did hurt and everything, but I moved on. I’m over it, I think.”

“I looked for you everywhere, you know,” Nozi changes the topic. This conversation is inevitable. I want to tell her that I don’t want to talk about it. That it’s all still too new. But I’ve been shutting her out for far too long. She deserves to hear the truth at least.

“I’m sorry I pushed you away, Nozi.” She looks away. I know I hurt her. She’s always just tried to be there. I couldn’t appreciate that. She is quiet for the first time since I’ve known her. For once, she is the one listening.

She listens quietly as I tell her about Mr Hlomla. Everything. And about Joburg. And about the baby.

We are in the park now and go to the swings we used to sit on.

“I was so scared, you know,” I tell her.

Nozi still doesn’t say anything. It’s like she is trying to picture everything I am saying in her mind.

“But I was here,” she says in the end.

“I know.” I don’t have another excuse. Nozi was always here.

“It wasn’t your fault,” she tells me after a while.

“What is it, Nozi?”

She looks down to her fidgeting hands. This is the first time I’ve seen her nervous at anything. She is my best friend – I’ve known her my entire life.

“Mr Hlomla is an evil man. That’s what it is – evil. It wasn’t your fault. He used you like he used all those other girls.”

“What other girls?” My heart pounds. I feel my lungs closing.

“There were many other girls,” Nozi tells me. “He used them just like he did you. He is an evil monster who preyed on vulnerable young girls. He doesn’t deserve to taste freedom. He is better off where he is. There were a lot that came out after you. Well, everything was discovered after one incident that left the whole school shaken.”

Nozi looks away, hesitant to give me all the details to this story I don’t really want to hear. But I need to hear it.

“What incident?” My voice is shaky.

“He forced himself on one girl … She reported him.” Nozi looks up at me, but I am still too shocked to say anything. “He was arrested. He will be tried sometime next month.”

My stomach twists and turn. It feels like someone just kicked me hard in the stomach.

“Everyone knows what happened with you,” Nozi continues. Her voice sounds less angry as she concludes the story. “But nobody blames you. Not even me.”

She smiles and holds my hand. I am glad that Mr Hlomla is going to be tried – he deserves to be put away.

***

“Did you have fun?” Mom says when I walk in. I stayed out too late. Nozi’s mom called to explain. She drove me home. I nod at my mother, throwing my phone on top of the table.

“Have you seen my charger?” I ask, opening the drawers in the kitchen.

“Oh, it’s in the lounge,” Mom tells me.

“I’m making food,” she says with a wide smile. I can smell divine aromas from the kitchen. I can’t deny how much I’ve missed the smell of her food. My mouth waters, even though Nozi and I grabbed something to eat on our way back to her house. I’ve missed proper food.

 * * * * *

Tell us: What do you think Yenzokuhle should do about Mr Hlomla?