What would you do if you ran into your old best friend and they were hand-in-hand with your ex? Take a moment and think about it. Now calm down. Relax.

Well I ran into Robbie and Noxy at the mall today: hand-in-hand, giggly, all love-dovey and smooching on each other. Thank God I saw them before they saw me otherwise I couldn’t have managed to hide my shock had it been the other way around.

So I was walking out of Calyx Boutique – I can still afford clothes from there – and I was laughing with Candice, the girl who runs the shop. We were going for coffee across the street when my ears caught that unmistakable and undeniably annoying laugh of my former friend. I am not saying her laughter is annoying because she is screwing my ex. No, I could never be so bitchy. I say it is annoying because it really is annoying. It’s squeaky and loud and she has these piggy grunts she loves doing. She watched a movie one day and rocked up in school the next day thinking she was Julia Roberts.

Anyways, I hear her laugh and my eyes turn in excitement to the direction of the sound. It must have been my face changing countenance that alerted Candice that a foe was on the horizon; because she held my arm and pulled my transfixed body away from them, turning me just in time to save me from sheer embarassment. We turned a quick corner and I had to compose myself.

We pretended to be checking out some jewellery in a shop window when Robbie’s unmistakeably baritone voice called out my name, my full name at that. I turned slowly to find Noxy, the wicked whale, clutching on to Robbie’s left arm as if her life depended on it. I tried to keep my game face on, but it all went pear-shaped when I saw Robbie trying to wriggle free of the viper’s grip. He was literally dragging her as he made his way towards us.

My face changed from stone to jubilation. I couldn’t hide my laughter. Both Candice and I cracked up like school girls and laughed our heads off. It took a minute or so to try and compose myself so that I could greet them. We all stood there awkwardly and said our greetings. Noxy was glued to Robby’s arm, keeping him away from me. Candice was in complete turmoil trying to contain her laughter, I was looking like one of those Barbie dolls with half-a-smile/half-a-laugh on my face. And Robbie was just annoyed.

After we’d had a brief chat about the rest of his stay in Cape Town (and, yes, his new bae was dismayed that we hung out when he was there!) he said we should get together sometime and tried to lean in for a hug. I say ‘tried’ because he did, shame, he really tried. But Noxy wouldn’t let go. Candice and I gave an uproar of laughter as we turned to walk away, unable to hold it in any longer. We left them standing there and went to sit at Stones instead.

I don’t know what that little display was but it sure was hilarious. Made me forget all about my troubles. I doubt Noxy wants to see me in PE again. Well, she can jump off a cliff I want nothing to do with her or her man. I don’t swallow my own vomit!

ZZ xxx