“To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were, we know each other’s hearts, we share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.” – Clara Ortega. I probably speak for many to say our sibling relationships are one of the most pivotal in our lives. Our siblings are usually our first friends & are part and parcel of some of our fondest memories in a lifetime.

My elder brother had just entered his 20s, I was in my late teens and my younger sister was in first grade when we lost both our parents more than a decade ago. Being the only people I felt understood the depth of my anguish more than anyone else, I have always been grateful to have shared the grief with them. Having my siblings has always given me so much comfort when dealing with untimely loss.

But with each of us adjusting to our new normal and with time transitioning to different phases of life coupled with some trauma bonding,  I have come to the realisation that the effect was different for each one of us. As with all types of relationships conflict was bound to arise, moving from bickering over who is supposed to wash the dishes to moments of uttering some of the most hurtful words. 

Because I am the first born daughter, I was immediately thrust into the responsibility of taking care of my siblings without any form of consultation or preparation. I identify this as one of the causes of what had us butting heads often. I felt the burden and quite overwhelmed, I can also admit to taking it out on them. I did not consider how this was also new to them, we went from being dependants to our own caregivers. 

Individually, we were each finding our own identities and learning to understand that was a battle as well. We responded to everything differently especially the grief, it did not have the same effect because we related to our parents through personal experiences. The unresolved childhood issues that were never attended to did breed resentment, unfortunately the people who were responsible were no more so there was blame shifted. There are some who have attested to favouritism by parents as a major contributor to sibling rivalry, leading to feelings of jealousy. 

Sibling rivalry can occur at any age, it can escalate from fighting over toys to not being on speaking terms for years as some of us may have witnessed with our parents & their relatives and how much that also caused strain amongst us as cousins if not confronted. I think one of the best lessons we were taught from childhood is making a point that we greet each other every morning regardless of what is transpiring, that helped us in remaining cordial and leaving room for amends.

Seeking advice and intervention from one of our elder relatives at the peak of our rift was helpful as well. Remember you do not necessarily know everything like those who have walked the path before so seeking counsel is wise. Especially with adult relationships, if circumstances allow it is advisable to also be apart. Ever heard of “distance makes the heart grow fonder”? I have seen a positive significant amount of change in our bond since we do not live together anymore because it started becoming so hard to accommodate one another’s lifestyles. 

If the situation gets to its dire stage, say perhaps violent, as that cannot be absolved it is best to seek professional help from authorities. Individual and group counselling would be great for all parties involved as well.

Siblings can bring the greatest joy to our lives and contribute immensely to our success we all nurture with care the relationship between us. 

Tell us about the fondest memories of you and your siblings. 

Read A letter to a brother I should have loved more here