I wish I could say that fear of rejection, or first-date nerves and failing to make the right first impression, or even meeting someone and discovering they are not who they presented themselves to be, are the reasons why I’ve been scared of dating for the longest time. But it’s not really been that.

Trying to date while dealing with depression can feel like trying to balance on a thin rope. On one hand, we crave connection, but on the other, we fear burdening someone with our emotional struggles.

I witnessed the effects of mental health issues first hand.

My aunt Happy was only recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder after years of living with this unnamed condition. She had been unwell for the longest time, and I watched her mental well-being deteriorate the older I got and understood what she was dealing with. I have witnessed her on her good days, her bad days, and the downright ugly days when we had to pin her down to prevent her from hurting herself as we waited for my Dad to arrive so we could take her to a mental facility. They admitted her, and a week later, we got the diagnosis.

So I understood that mental illness is a huge problem that affects how we meet people, engage with them, and navigate the relationships we cultivate. And in my past relationships, I was always the one with disordered emotional and mental health. I looked at ways in which I could shield people from having to deal with this because of my own experience with my aunt and what it was like to live with someone who was mentally ill.

The prospect of being one mental breakdown away from someone you love then seeing you differently scared me, so I started putting up walls and distancing that part of myself from the real world of love and relationships. I unfortunately tackled relationships, romantic or otherwise, from a position of trauma.

I started to look at my own mental health and how to cautiously deal with it in a world that does not understand what we are going through. So I started putting space between what I was going through and the people I allowed into my space, building walls that rose so high that you could only see me if and when I allowed you to. It is an unhealthy tactic that works when it does – and doesn’t when it doesn’t. In fact sometimes it feels as if my whole life has been a sad unravelling of past mistakes and trying to deal with them one by one.

When I recently started talking to a guy who has been dealing with depression and anxiety, I saw our relationship as both a challenge and a learning experience. I worried that if things were to become serious between us, which they kind of have, I would eventually fall into old habits. However, I find myself doing things quite differently, and I don’t know if it is because I know what it is like to live with anxiety, so I am becoming the lover I always needed, or maybe I am fixating more on his life so that I do not have to deal with mine. (I obfuscate like it is no one’s business, and a part of me is a little scared he can see that.)

In all honesty, I am not afraid of what would happen if I allowed him to see me at my lowest because I don’t have the fear that he may not know how to handle it. I understand what would be expected of me should he need me to be there for him at his lowest because I have been there, and I am always open to help. I understand now that if we love someone, we need to be with them fully. I know it is not easy being with someone who is mentally ill. But it is a reality many people live with— and we need help sometimes. All people can do is just be present while we go through it.

Tell us: If you found out someone you love is living with a mental condition, how would you help make their life better?