South Africa celebrated its 22nd Freedom Day yesterday (27 April), which commemorates the day that SA held its first democratic elections. Quite a number of constitutional rights have seen the light of day over these two decades, with race and gender equality taking the high priority.

However, would we really confidently nod our heads if someone asked whether we have done enough to bridge the gap that apartheid stretched between men and women? Do cultural practices such as lobola serve any purpose in the new South Africa? I think not.

Why Lobola of All Things?

I believe lobola is the modernised version of slavery to women. What’s dangerous about this practice is that it has created more division than unity. Some women have had to put up with abuse and name-calling from their communities (and family members) simply because their husbands never settled their lobola in full. They can’t even mingle with other new makotis (Brides) as they’ll be discriminated against for having “a husband who can’t even pay for their hand in marriage”.

If you are going to pass on a cultural practice to another generation then you must take the initiative to inform them about its origin and purposes, so it’s performed the correct way. Do not pass on its name but forget to elaborate on the concept behind it. There is a (debatable) perception in the African community that lobola buys you full ownership over your wife, and that’s not how it has always been – and that leads us to the next point.

What’s this ‘Lobola’ Exactly?

Lobola was (initially) a token of appreciation from the groom’s family to the bride-to-be’s family. You had to pay lobola with the cows you’ve been feeding in your kraal to show the extent of your commitment; you couldn’t buy lobola cows. Another reason was that those cows were believed to have been closest to your ancestors so they were blessed and protected. It was an attempt to build strong ties between the elders of the families involved, as African families had (still have) so firm belief on ancestors.

It wasn’t based on how much (or even less) educated the woman was. Education was a day-light dream then and therefore it was never a measure of someone’s worth. Money is associated with purchasing, therefore parents never wanted to make their daughters feel as if they were being sold.

More than anything, it was a way of binding two families together. Lobola served as a bridge between the two families that one could easily cross if their marriage was failing.

So, why must it fall now?

My main argument is: if you are going to practice an old custom, then employ the right methods and carry it out correctly. Do not tweak things so they may suit your needs because then it will forfeit its main purpose. Lobola is now overrated because it’s not practiced the same way our grandparents did. It is just a shadow that fraudsters hide under. It is a profit making scheme, using culture as a scapegoat.

Nothing is cultural about raising your daughter and later on in her life demand that someone pays you back the money you’ve spent on her. Lobola is now charged according to how well brought up and educated the makoti (bride) is, so you’re technically refunding the parents for raising their own child. Because the lobola-price is high and motivated by greed, the bridegroom resorts to loans, which is something that puts strain on the marriage right from the beginning.

The way lobola has been so modernised and globalised means it has lost its significance and purpose. It has exhausted its lifespan and sell-by date. Lobola allows parents to be sellers, with daughters being the product. Most parents now encourage their daughters to build relationships with people who can ‘afford’ them, not “someone who can’t even keep their own body and soul together”. With the so-called sugar-daddy crisis we are facing, doesn’t this further drive more girls to look for the richest man instead of the most loving one?

Women have been reduced to something you can just put a price tag on and sell to the first rich men to offer his lobola. I’m in no way suggesting that it is sinful to marry a rich person. But in a country that preaches women independence, a man’s pocket shouldn’t entitle him to your daughter’s heart.

Lobola was a confidential practice that only happened between closed doors. The bride-to-be was excluded during the negotiations. The amount that her husband settled for her would remain a secret. If she knew how much he ‘paid’ for her, wouldn’t she feel as if she owed him something and had to pay off that debt for the rest of her life?

Some women have been forced (by their uncles!) to stay in their marriages regardless of how abusive their husbands were because ‘divorce is un-African’. Some women have had to endure the worst circumstances because “separation would bring humiliation to their families, and the husband has paid and therefore she now belongs to him”. Morden day lobola taints the picture of equality in marriages.

Our media is already doing its best to degrade and sexualise women through adverts and music videos. Young girls are faced with identity confusion as they think that it’s necessary to be naked on pictures if your main aim is to attract the ‘right one’. So, do we really need something that further depicts women as items that can be bought and owned?

I’m not suggesting that young girls should abandon their African values but rather asking men to understand that lobola wasn’t certifying them to mistreat their women. Before you can say I’m being out of line for calling for lobola abolishment, think of these questions:

If makoti’s (bride) parents can overcharge your lobola so you won’t be able to marry her, isn’t that in contradiction with the purpose of lobola? Lobola was meant to strengthen affairs between the two families, right? If so, why would the daughter’s parents hold grudges against their son-in-law because he has an outstanding balance in his lobola? Why would money stand in the way of two hearts that love each other? Are we still practising the old lobola custom or did we just adopt the name but not the concept? Women are priceless, not worthless!

If you base your respect on what the other person possesses, then it’s much easier to look down on others ‘cos of what they lack – Ndibulele Sotondoshe

This blog was written by Inspiring Tomorrow author Ndibulele Sotondoshe

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