A letter to a teen girl about sex.

This letter was inspired by comments on the articles on sex on masturbation earlier in the year. You can read them here and here.

Dear Fazeeah,

Don’t be ashamed.

At your age, it’s normal to ask questions about sex. Is it wrong? Is it only for married couples? Is it safe? The answers are largely determined by your family and friend group. But unfortunately, family advice is often evasive, unfair and a little righteous.

Our worth is often linked to ‘respectability’. It exists in almost every culture and especially religious communities. In most cases, respectability is tied to Western and colonial conceptions of modesty. Western values prioritise commitment to Christianity, a close relationship to family, and abstinence (no sex) before marriage.

South Africans have long since adopted these ideas since colonisation. For example, In South Africa in the 1930s, the Xhosa term AmaRespectables was coined to refer to those who embraced the message of Christianity, and who were focused on building a family or maintaining a beautiful home. AmaRespectables contested the idea of ‘cosmopolitan women’ who would wear makeup, dress more confidently, and date more casually.

Similarly, ‘Ordentlikheid’ is the Afrikaans term to describe how Afrikaner people should conduct themselves. It implied that by embracing and stepping into conventional family roles (such as nurturing mother, protective father, and chaste daughter) we can gain higher esteem from others.

In all of these examples, respectability comes from de-emphasising your sexuality in order to avoid marginalisation and reflect morality. Of course, back then, people (especially women of colour) were often thought of as deviant, uncivilised and unclean if they engaged in sex before marriage.

This all feeds back into English notions (and Christian colonial notions) of what it means to be ‘worthy’ of respect.

But what happens when we step out of line? You could spend your whole life suppressing who you really are, only to make one mistake, and suddenly be labelled unworthy of respect. For us women especially, it seems that there is a fine line between madonnas and whores, mothers or maneaters. Either way, moulding yourself according to these expectations is likely to drive you crazy. And is that really what you need right now, when your hormones are already sending you up the walls?

Fazeeah, everywhere around you, probably for as long as you live, you’ll notice people being shamed for who they are, and what sexual choices they make. Maybe they have sex before marriage, sex on their period, gay relationships or even gender dysphoria – whatever the case, that doesn’t make it okay to be cruel.

Your sexual choices do not determine your worth. Unfortunately, social conditioning and a long history of respectability politics are making you question your value in the world. But the fact of the matter is that you have a right to human dignity, respect and freedom of expression. So no matter what you decide to do about your sexuality, just do it with your own happiness and choice in mind.

Because, unfortunately, your body’s hormonal changes are going to keep reigniting the desire to explore, play, and touch regardless of your will to suppress it. Your brain is releasing the GnR Hormone, which stimulates your puberty hormones (such as the luteinizing hormone and the follicle-stimulating hormone). This is why your hair is growing everywhere, your voice is getting lower, your body’s aching, and your period has started.

It’s also why you’re starting to experience sexual desire. Sexuality is a regular biological occurrence and it should NOT be ignored. We live in a country that struggles with teenage pregnancies, HIV/AIDS and GBV-F, which means that failing to engage in sex education is a potentially life-threatening error .

Sex literacy can save you from these epidemics. But it only comes from paying close attention to the changes in your body, and learning how to safely engage your sexuality in ways that are comfortable for you – not your parents, not your friends, not your religious relatives, just you. Because at the end of the day, it’s your body and your choice.

Fazeeah, be kind to yourself. The world is changing, and you’re changing with it. We live in a progressive time, where respectability means different things to different people. There are many communities where people openly express their sexuality, and gender is just an obscure construct to try on every now and then. So if the people in your life are giving you grief, maybe they’re just not your people.

But that doesn’t mean that you should do whatever pleases you. Practising sex requires you to remain careful, intentional and informed. Concentrate on biology class, ask your local nurse questions, and search the library. Education is your priority. Because, like my mom always said, if you’re old enough to do it then you must be old enough to deal with the consequences.

With all my warmth,
Drew

P.S. Here are some helpful resources to steer you in the right direction:

If you’re a sexually active woman, you should get examined at some point. Marie Stopes offers women’s health services, including breast exams, pap smears, safe abortions, contraceptive advice and more for reasonable prices.

If you experience a period, I highly recommend downloading the free app, ‘Flo’ which offers advice and information about your menstruation and how it affects your mood, body and mind.

If you still need more, you can find a lot more sexual health information right here, from some of the world’s best accredited and standardised health care professionals.

Tell us: What do you think is most helpful in this letter for young girls?