The other day, I accompanied my friend Joyce to the salon to have her hair braided into cornrows. Midway through the process, she stopped the hairdresser and asked for a hand-held mirror. I assumed it was because she was sitting in a dim shadowy corner, and she wanted to see how far along they still had to go.

“But this doesn’t look like the picture I showed you. This is not the hairstyle I asked for.” She had turned from the mirror, and was now looking straight at the hairdresser.

I cringed.

At first, I thought she was rude and wrong, but the hairdresser took another good look at the picture on her phone and started the cornrows from scratch. It was only when I got home that I remembered the many times I had been in the same situation. I would sit quietly on the reclined chair, watching the hairdresser butcher the style I had asked for, only to go home and complain to my sisters about it and mope around for a good week. I never learned how to address matters, both big and small.

Joyce was a hero. She spoke up when she saw things taking a wrong turn and steered them back in the direction favouring her. She went home as a happy client, and the hairdresser had learnt that she had to take a proper look at the style requests before proceeding.

This occurrence has made quite an impression on me that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I have been thinking about the many times when I swallowed my words because, “What if it makes the next person uncomfortable?” or, “What if they think I am rude?” While in turn, I suffered a certain blow. Sometimes, I even had to agree to things that I did not want to do. I realise that I may have been pleasing others at my own expense and keeping a false sense of peace.

I have now learnt that as an individual, you must learn to use your voice assertively to let others know of your needs and also make them aware when they err or make you uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you must not be polite in your delivery, but you must understand that you must prioritise your well-being over being liked by others. Your voice and your opinions matter.

There are a few core fundamentals of your mindset that you can work on changing if you would like to stop being a people pleaser and amplify your voice:

Be okay with discomfort and being uncomfortable.
If you have to say something, say it, even if you are afraid of judgment or rejection. Soon enough, these emotions will not have much power over you and your decision-making.

Set boundaries and learn to say NO.
When you can’t do something, or there is something you do not want to do, make it known. It is better to disappoint people with the truth than to comfort them with lies.

Try positive self-talk.
Say words of affirmation to yourself and if you can, write down a mantra that you can recite daily to reassure yourself that you are doing okay and that your voice always matters.

Keep a record of your progress.
Taking stock to remind yourself of how far you have come will come in handy as a confidence booster and when you fall off the wagon, you have a great reminder of how much better life is when you are intentional and assertive.

If you try the above and they do not assist you, seek professional help.
People pleasing may be because of childhood and past unresolved traumas. If you cannot solve the issue alone, it may be useful to speak to someone who is trained to deal with these kinds of challenges.

I understand that when you start speaking up more, you may start feeling anxious and fearful as you assume that you are causing others offence. However, the quality of your life improves daily when you are honest about your feelings. I have started living my life with the same principles and will see how it pans out and, if you are like me, I hope you adopt them too.

Tell us: how good are you at speaking out about your needs and feelings?