“Men, You Are On Your Own”

WARNING: This piece refers to suicide. Emergency and counselling contact details are provided at the end of the article.

The passing of rapper Riky Rick shocked many people, including me. I have been close to that edge a number of times and thought of jumping. I never did – but I understood him and other people who jumped. As the news unfolded and was really becoming a reality to a lot of people who revered Riky, and didn’t want his passing to be true, compassion was shown. To my surprise, though, another conversation rose to the surface.

A lot of social media posts came up saying: “Men you are on your own” – Twitter user, Simon Pela. And: “As a man, you either open up and become a meme or bottle things up and become a memory” – Facebook user, Lavu Dokta.

That was the surprising conversation. They justified their comments by bringing up Will Smith and Tyrese Gibson who became memes by opening up on a public platform.

There might be some truth in this, but men aren’t, and have never been, on their own. Women have always supported us, and been on our side. We live in South Africa that has been said to be the most dangerous place in the world to live in, if you are a woman, because of what we do to women as men. Yet women continue to call us Kings. They continued to praise us and bask in our beauty as men.

We do not open up because of the stigma we have put on the concept of opening up. We refuse to unlearn toxic masculine traits we were taught as boys, and continue to teach them to the young. We tell boys every day: “Indoda ayikhali” – a man does not cry;” and we get surprised when they grow up to be like us – men who do not open up.

I also believe that this is more than just the toxic masculine element we were taught. It is also us refusing to take responsibility for our own healing. Opening up to a friend or significant other does not equate to the need for therapy – or might be therapeutic in itself. We all have traumas; each and every one of us needs to take responsibility for their own healing and take the right measures. It is our individual responsibility to book an appointment with a professional and really start our healing process.

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For professional help and counselling call one of these numbers:
SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567 (toll-free counselling between 8am and 8pm)
FAMSA (Families South Africa): 011 975 7106/7 or email national@famsa.org.za
SADAG Suicide Crisis Line: 0800 567 567
Befrienders Suicide Hotline: 051 444 5691
Rape Crisis: 021 447 9762
Childline: 116
Lifeline: 0861 322 322
STOP Gender based violence: 0800 150 150
GBV command centre: 800 428 428 or *120*7867# (free)
AIDS Helpline: 0800 012 322 or (011) 725 6710
Alcoholics Anonymous South Africa: 0861 435 722

If you liked this story, you may enjoy reading Ekasi: Men Don’t Cry

Tell us: Is talking to a professional counsellor the only safe way for men to get things off their chest?

20 Responses

No I believe men can also find support through trusted friends, family members or support groups. The most important thing is to seek out a space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions.

Moyase Millicent Sithole · 4 weeks ago

Speaking with a professional counselor provides a secure environment where you can express yourself freely. They listen without passing judgment, giving you the space to unload your thoughts and feelings. Everything you share remains confidential, and their support plays a vital role in your healing journey.

Rachel Pieterson · a month ago

This message is for every man facing tough times and struggling to express their feelings and daily challenges. It can be disheartening when friends mock your struggles in secret, and family dismisses your pain, accusing you of seeking attention. Remember, there will come a day when a solution emerges, and the tragedy of suicide will cease. ❤️❤️❤️

No,they can talk with other men

Thapelo Matemane · a year ago

No it's not you can talk to someone you are free with

Miranda Mandy · 2 years ago

Yes it does

People talk about toxic masculinity a lot, the term has become an umbrella that shelters all behaviour perceived as toxic in men's behavior. To Lindisiwe, as far as my knowledge goes patriarchy and gender roles are not social constructs, they are fundamental in the progression of the society. Even in the wild social animals have hierarchies both patriarchy and matriarchy it is biology. Instead of emasculating men, we need better male role models. We need mentors who can help young men to channel their energy to productive endeavours. Emasculating men is actually a dangerous idea.

Siphesihle Mkhumbuzi · 2 years ago

No they can also talk to their friends and family

Lindisiwe Bhengu · 2 years ago

Echoing what Mandlenkosi said, we need to heal it’s not that we need to open up or men need to open up and merry go to therapy. I mean this starts at patriarchy men need to understand that patriarchy is a dehumanizing system that needs to be abolished because it creates toxic masculinity and breeds violence. Men need to show up for themselves in their traumas and dismantle all these societal stigmas “men don’t cry” “men are the head of the family”- do away with gender roles and this idea of being strong. Now as we move away from these patriarchal notions we step into therapy as merely humans despite our gender that’s when we will have a better society

Mpho Lebelo · 3 years ago

Thank you for the enlightenment indeed we should stop blaming being a laughing stock when you open up as a mam instead blame yourself for not unlearning those toxic masculinity traits ...it is our responsibility to heal

Mandlenkosi Ncube · 3 years ago

nop.. bt somtimes

Blessings Jere · 3 years ago

No. They can also talk to their partners or someone they trust. Counseling doesn't work overnight

Azola Nonkosi · 3 years ago

No, you can also talk to your friend or someone close to you.

Letlhogonolo Kotsedi · 3 years ago

It's hard we struggle it might help talking I believe.

Siyavuya Tetese · 3 years ago

It's still hard to believe that Riky is no longer with us.😭😭😩RIP Boss Zonke.💔🕊️

Sisipho Johnson · 3 years ago

No, taking into account our socio-economic factors, that is lack of employment and our social status regarding seeking professional help, that is not possible. We as men need to talk amongst ourselves when we are drinking beers, instead of discussing girls and gossiping. Men have platforms to shine spotlight on what they are going through. Platforms like podcasts for example, but they use them to discuss and shame women. It is all about, "did you smash?" "Is she a ten?" And stuff like that. Then when women talk about their own, they resort to whataboutism.

Motebang Disene · 3 years ago

Depression sees no gender

Dimpho Mthimunye · 3 years ago

Men don't talk they afraid of being called weak

Zanele Mathonsi · 3 years ago

Ricky rick meh😥🥰

Puleng Mokoaleli · 3 years ago

You can also speak to anyone you trust you can confide with

Reitumetse Serobe · 3 years ago

“Men, You Are On Your Own”Gents — Tue, 29 March 2022

“Men, You Are On Your Own”
Gents — Tue, 29 March 2022