“If you ever hate me for what I’m about to tell you, I will understand. That night we had sex, I lied about being on contraceptives. I have never in my life loved a person like I did to you. You on the other hand never noticed that. I thought maybe sleeping with you and falling pregnant for you will make you love me. When you said you were not ready to get in a new relationship, I knew that you would not want to have anything to do with the baby I was already carrying.

“I started hating everything that has your name in it. I thought it was the baby and that maybe it would change after I had given birth. But it never did. When I, I gave birth to someone who looked so much like you I thought that was a baby you. So I never wanted to share him, I wanted him for myself only. I named him Phakade (‘Forever’ in English), because he was going to remind me of my Mdumiseni forever.” her face was wet with tears.

I was also in tears too. I couldn’t believe my ears. Tina freed her hands from my tight grip. She wiped my face with her bare hands. I just looked at her confused. So many thoughts were running around causing traffic in my head.

“I am deeply sorry for costing you your baby, Mdu. For never giving you the chance to hold him. I could do anything you wish to make it up to you, anything.”

I couldn’t talk. I just blacked out. I heard voices calling my name like they were from a distance, until Tina waved her hand in my face.

“I am sorry Tina, you’re saying?” the tears were blurring my eyes.

“I was expecting your reaction to my story.” she held my hand.

“I need to go to his grave please.”

Tina’s father didn’t think it was a good idea. But her mom said it was okay.

We were at the grave. At least I got to touch it. I lied down on the side and rested my head on the corner and let the river of tears flow out of my eyes. It was getting late and dark.

Tina’s voice brought me back to reality.

“It’s getting late, Mdu. You can always come back again if you want to. Let’s go, I have something for you back at home.”

I waited at the gate as she went to fetch that ‘something’ for me. She came back with two photo albums and USB stick.

“Choose the colour of the album you love. And here I have more photos and videos of him. Bring it back when you’re done copying,” she handed me the USB.

“Thanks, Tina,” I hugged and whispered into her ear

“I think I love you…”

“I love you.” she tightened the hug.

***

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