After watching the petal float away, I made my way back to the car, drove home, and pretended that everything was fine. Rashid had come back and left again, and just like the rosebud in the sand, he had left as swiftly as he had come.

I spent the following nights in prayer, begging Allah to grant me peace, comfort, and direction in the next phase of my life. I stood in front of my lord with my eyes filled with tears until I received a reassuring comfort from above, a reassuring grip that held tightly onto my lost soul as if to say “it is going to be okay”.

Months went by, and I did not see or hear from Rashied again. He fell silent, and I tried contacting him, but it was to no avail. I later learned to accept my fate, which was a fate without him, so I slowly went on with my life and picked up the pieces of myself again. I was no stranger to a life of gleeful pretence.

**********

The preparations for the wedding were coming to an end, and the wedding day was quickly approaching. I was starting to feel okay again, and I was healing. Life has a way of distracting you from its uncertain pains, and eventually, you learn to live with the pain or just simply bury it and make the most of the people you have in life and love.

The morning of my wedding had arrived, and I was excited for my special day, and for the next chapter of my life. But, while I was busy being happy, I received a visit from an unexpected visitor with a final letter. It was Rashied’s Mother. I had seen her picture before, so I immediately recognised her when I saw her. When she saw me, she looked at me and latched onto me before I could say anything.

“Kasih, (Thank you) my child. Kasih, for teaching my son about love. He always spoke about you, and he loved you dearly,” Rashied’s mother said. I held onto her tightly and burst out crying. She spoke about him in past tense, and I just knew. I just knew. “He told me to give you this, it will explain everything,” she continued.

After speaking, Rashied’s mother placed a beautiful white envelope with gold trimmings on my hand. It was a letter from Rashied.

“I wish you and your future husband all the best. You have Rashied’s and my blessing,” Rashied’s mother said, then she leaned over and kissed my forehead. “This is from both of us,” she continued, then she took one last long look at me and walked away.

After Rashied’s mother left, I never saw her again. I stared at the letter, unsure if I should read it. I knew I was going to get married in a few hours, but I needed the closure contained in the letter, the closure that was amongst his written words. I had waited 5 years for a proper answer, and I could not wait any longer. So, I tore the envelope open, and my eyes settled on the attached rosebud on the top left corner of the letter. Then I started reading:

“My dear Layla.

By the time this letter reaches you, I will have passed on. Layla … Maalf (Sorry) for all the hurt that I caused you. Maalf for everything. I genuinely loved you, and if I had not been so broken, I would have married you.

A week before I was supposed to meet you, I fell terribly ill, and the day before I was supposed to meet you, I was diagnosed with lung cancer. The reason I didn’t contact you was because I couldn’t bring myself to tell you about my diagnosis. I couldn’t stomach the fact that I would never be a part of your future.

I tried to purposely distance myself from you because I thought that, by doing that, our departure would hurt less. But, I will always remember how we spoke about marriage, and the names we gave our future children. So, please remember me as that happy, ambitious, and loving man I thought myself to be. Remember me as the man who really loved and cared for you once upon a time, and the man that dreamt about marrying you.

I never felt about anyone the way I felt about you. Oh Allah, I wish I had made better choices. I wish I was the one marrying you. I saw the ring on your finger and I chose to ignore it because that was supposed to be my ring on your finger. I was supposed to be your husband, so seeing someone else’s ring on your finger hurt me.

The father of your children should be me. But maybe in the afterlife I’ll have my chance. Kasih (Thank you) for showing me what true love is. My heart felt it, and it was unforgettable. So, when I breathe my final breath, I will be blanketed by the warmth of the love that you gave me.

It was all a moment of dreams, and a lifetime of memories. I will always love you, and I will always choose you, now and forever. So, remember me when you grow old and look back on your long happy life. Remember me standing amongst the Rosebush, watching you from afar. Remember my love for you. Remember your Rashid.”

The letter was stained with his tears of grief. It was his final goodbye.

***

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