“This lazy girl! I am tired to work to feed you and your kids. Find work please Vivian,” her mother, Charmaine shouted.

She took her children and sat outside, under an avocado tree. Vivian was only 25 years old. She got pregnant while still in school and had to leave school because of her pregnancy. She then fell pregnant again after a year, when a boy raped her, coming from buying vegetables. She had two girls who were only 5 and 7. Her siblings, Susan and Marvellous said she made a mistake twice.

She was the eldest, followed by Marvellous and then Susan as the last born. She shared a room with her daughters and her siblings had their own rooms. Her mother said she shamed the family and refused to agree that she got raped but instead they said that she wanted to get pregnant again.

Charmaine thought Vivian didn’t listen when she told her to stay away from boys. Vivian felt lonely and her daughters brought her comfort and happiness.

“Tatenda, play with Tino, I want to water the plants,” she stood up and went to the garden.

“I don’t want to play with her, she bit my leg,” Tatenda cried.

“Tino stop it. You mustn’t bite your sister,” she scolded Tino who began to cry.

“What the hell is this?” Charmaine said, coming from the house.

“If only you worked then your kids could be in school,” she continued and walked back inside the house.

Vivian walked and consoled both her daughters. She sometimes wished she had only one child. If she didn’t get raped, her life would have been much better. No one believed that someone raped her, her mother and sisters said she got what she deserved.

Did she deserve to be raped? She sometimes wished Charmaine was not her mother. Her father couldn’t voice anything to support her because he was afraid of Charmaine.

Vivian walked with her daughters who helped her to water the vegetables. She wished her daughters could love each other because one day she will die and leave them. So she wanted them to love each other and live in peace while she was still alive. After watering the plants, they went inside the house.

“Vivian, help me to cook,” Charmaine said angrily.

“Tatenda and Tinotenda go and bath,” she said. “Where do I start?” she asks looking at her mother.

“Chop the carrots and onions,” she ordered.

Vivian washed her hands and Susan joined in on chopping the vegetables.

“Aaaaah Mama,” she screamed when the juices of the onions came in her eyes.

“What is it?” Charmaine asked. “Oh Vivian, chop the onions fast,” she screamed.

Vivian chopped the onions with no complaint. Her eyes had tears but she still kept on chopping. She wiped her teary eyes when she was done. Charmaine started to treat her differently when she fell pregnant and left school.

She asked if she could go back to school and her mother had refused, saying no one will look after Tatenda. It was like they didn’t care about her. If she could die, that’s all she wished for. But who would look after her kids? Maybe Charmaine would leave her daughters in an orphanage. Dying was all she always thought about. Susan and Marvellous sat and did nothing. After the food was ready, her mother dished the food in plates. Vivian was sitting on a chair with the others.

“Why are you sitting with us? Go and join you daughters,” Susan laughed.

“Let me give you a plate,” Charmaine smiled and gave her food, which was small.

“Charmaine, what is wrong with you? Do you forget that she is also your daughter?” Wilson said harshly.

Wilson, her father had no power over his wife and daughters. Carmen didn’t want Vivian and her daughters sitting with them at the table. Tatenda and Tino took their plates and went straight to their bedroom. She took her plate and joined her daughters. Instead of eating, she sat and watched her daughters eat.

“Mama, I need more food,” Tatenda cried.

“Eat mine. Share with your sister,” she said calmly.

She just hated the fact that her own mother treated her like an outsider. If she could turn back the clock, that was her only wish. Every day her life was in shatters. She went to wash the dishes after dinner and waited for everyone to sleep. She crept in the kitchen and opened the cupboard which stored cockroach spray and rat poison. Vivian read the box. It read ‘It can be harmful when swallowed’.

This could take her life. Maybe when she was gone they would remember how badly they treated her, she thought. She forced the poison in her mouth. Her tummy started to pain then she fell on the ground. Finally she can have peace; that’s all she hoped for.

Foam started coming out of her mouth. She felt as if she was dying slowly. She dragged the wall with her fingers, she was weak. The pain was unbearable; she wanted to scream but her voice couldn’t be heard.

She collapsed with one eye open, a minute later her eye closed.

***

Tell us what you think: Have you ever had suicidal thoughts? Did you ever act on them?