Today of all days, I woke up after a dream about her: my abuser, the infamous Keitumetse Samuels. I woke up venting and shouting, and I somehow I thought I was back to the time when I was still confined to her love, and made a punching bag whenever her insecurities kicked in.

I sat on my bed still shaking as my mind went over our relationship. Of course, I saw the fifteen year old me lying on the floor, sobbing while the twenty five year old her swung her leather belt and hitting my body while tears streamed down her face too.

“Why did I have to dream of her? It has been four whole years! I am completely over her, or maybe it is because I recently wrote a story about her, describing our relationship and how I had finally managed to escape my gruesome lover, as addicted as I was to her,” I thought to myself.

After a while, I sat up and kicked off the blankets. I then stretch my body and grabbed hold of my phone. It was only half 4:30am, so I frowned and tried going back to sleep again.

While I was trying to sleep, I thought of my current relationship, hoping it will help me sleep, but nothing happened. I tried thinking of this and that several more times, making up stories in my head, but none of that seems to be working. I then gave up and put my headsets on and listened to RnB. The slow and soothing music complimented my mood, and then suddenly, NeYo’s song “All Because Of You” came on.

The lyrics made me think back to the time when I was just a little girl, infatuated with a manipulative and insecure woman. I then listened intently to the lyrics:

“Want to but I can’t help it
I love the way it feels.
This got me stuck between my
Fantasy and what is real. I need
It when I want it. I want it when I
Don’t, tell myself I’ll stop everyday
Knowing that I won’t.

I got a problem and I don’t know what to do about it,
Even if I did, I don’t Know if I would quit, but I doubt it
I’m taken by the thought of it, and I know this much is true,
Baby you have become my addiction.”

I sang along to the lyrics while thinking of how many times I had told myself I was done with her, only to go back. Indeed, she was my addiction! I was ADDICTED to her. I then grabbed my cell phone because I believed writing about how we met, rather than how bad our relationship was, would give me some closure.

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