“Aren’t you embarrassed with yourself? First, you raped your own blood, then you infect woman with that AIDS of yours, and now you got arrested. You are a disgrace!” Gerald shouted and hit the table with his fist. Lovemore was lost in a sea of secrets.

Martha, Melody, and Lovemore were sitting on the same bench, while Gerald sat on a chair. He loved being the man of the house. Martha had paid the bail for her brother, but they were surprised to see that he did not care about life anymore.

Lovemore looked like he had lost his confidence and self-esteem. He did not talk to anyone on the way back home, and no one dared to talk until they all arrived home. Gerald then decided to give him a chance to talk, but he was worried when Lovemore never went against what he had said.

“I was young when I raped Shamiso, I’m sorry,” Lovemore said, and his voice sounded sad and serious. He held back his tears and hid his face while hyperventilating. His hope had dwindled. He was quiet, and even Gerald noticed he was not loud and outspoken anymore. He thought he was embarrassed, but he then saw the depression in his eyes.

Martha rubbed Lovemore’s back softly to comfort him.

“You have to apologize to her and all those women,” Gerald requested.

“I will baba,” Lovemore muttered and looked at the floor. He then squinted in deep thought. The load was heavy for him, and his voice sounded subdued and creaking.

“Jail changed you, and I like that. Let me prepare food,” Melody said, rushing to prepare fire, and Martha joined her.

Lovemore’s heart sank with fear. He had to apologise, and it was the right thing to do. He knew it, but he was in agony that he could not open up. He was already embarrassed, and he wished the wind could come rushing through his brain, blowing away all his troubles as he heard the rustling of leaves outside.

Lovemore wondered how he would open up. He felt punished and that he deserved it, but it killed his soul and body. The other thing worrying him was that he had tested positive on HIV. A week in jail had changed his life and mind-set. All he wanted was to die. He wished he could have the load off his shoulders because it was too heavy for him to carry.

Lovemore did not like loitering or socialising with his friends anymore. He hated public places because he felt as if everyone was laughing at him. He would help with chores he never did before, and even Gerald thought he had surely changed.

Cynthia came to visit him one day, but he refused to see her, and that made Martha and her mother worried. They watched on as Cynthia walked away from the threshold of the door. Cynthia turned, hoping to see Lovemore calling her, but nothing. Melody and Martha stared at each other, and Melody clapped her hands slightly.

“I hope he didn’t impregnate her,” Melody whispered.

“Mama, I think Lovemore is sick. Look at his skin,” Martha grumped, and her mother pinch her to keep quiet.

“He is a strong boy. Do not let people hear you! See, Cynthia is not even at the gate, and you want her to hear you,” Melody said, holding her ears warning her

************

“I ‘m leaving tomorrow for the city,” Martha said, bidding farewell.

Lovemore put the chicken food in a container when hearing her, but he did not know what to say because he was suffering in his mental state. He squinted and took a deep breath while feeling horrible and a panicky feeling in his chest.

“Please behave,” Martha added.

Lovemore’s mouth moved, but no words came out. He was scared, but he wanted to be free. He could not keep the secret anymore. He then rolled his fists, clenched his jaw, and pinched for tears, but they did not roll from his eyes.

“I got raped in jail. I think Shamiso would love to see this happen to me,” Lovemore said, hyperventilating.

Martha heard the anguish in her brother’s voice. She had never seen him like that, and she saw him as more of a strong brother than a bright one. She came closer to him because she did not hear him properly.

“What did you say?” Martha asked concerned.

Lovemore swallowed and gained strength. He took a deep breath, folded his arms firmly on his chest, and felt a bit relieved that he had the confidence to tell her. “I was raped in jail. I was made a woman by three gangsters,” he said in a low tone. His face became pale and drawn, and he looked away sorrowfully.

Martha’s mouth opened wide in shock, and she nearly lost her balance. “Do men get raped?” she asked, puzzled, and with wander in her mind.

Lovemore saw it as if Martha was mocking him, so he threw the chicken food on the ground and walked out. Martha was still digesting what he had said, and she just stood there and did not notice that her response was tearing Lovemore apart.

After leaving Martha, Lovemore locked himself in his room and buried his face in his hands. He then fell on the ground and sobbed. “Telling her was not a good thing,” he thought to himself. He wondered if she would tell his father and mother, and it made him feel like he was naked. But he knew that she would not tell them because he knew her secrets too. He was not doing tit-for-tat at all, but he never wanted her to reveal his secrets.

After a while, Lovemore wiped his face and rushed outside. Martha was gone. He went around his bedroom and smelt cigarette nearby. He did not notice Gerald sneaking on him from behind, and he also wondered who was smoking, because he was not allowed to smoke in the compound. Martha was the one smoking behind his room, and she was leaning on the wall, having her me time peacefully.

“Sister, please don’t tell anyone my secret,” Lovemore pleaded while standing far because he did not want to smoke too. The doctor had warned him not to smoke or drink.

“I won’t brother,” Martha responded, inhaling the cigarette and blowing out a cloud of smoke. “I have a bigger secret. If mom and dad knew I’m already married, I will be in trouble,” Martha said.

“What? Martha?” a voice said from behind them, making their hearts panic. They looked back and realised that it was Gerald, and Martha dropped the cigarette on the ground shamefully.

***

Tell us: How do you think Gerald is going to react to Martha’s news about her marriage?