You see daddy impregnated my mother when they were both in matric. Mom was able to finish and pass with distinctions just like dad but that was where it all ended. They both couldn’t attend University because they had to take care of me and mom had been accepted at two universities. Because of one tiny mistake her future was ruined. But she always told me how much she loved me and that I was her biggest joy.

I remember the night before she died she told me I wasn’t a mistake and that I was the best thing she ever did in this life. I loved her so much and even though she died when I was still a little girl I miss her so much. I remember her so well. I had the support of many people during my up-bringing. The church ladies and relatives have been with me and taught me how to grow into this well-mannered, self-respectful and high esteemed girl.

Today I speak in matric, just a month and weeks before university. Tomorrow the month starts and the day it ends I have to already be gone; out of this house. I want to go; I have to go to University. It’s been my dream since someone very special entered the doors of my life. We’ve planned to go to varsity. The same university my father doesn’t even know I want to go to.

It’s my secret along with that special person I was talking about. I don’t understand my life! My father and I have the perfect relationship but I can’t even sit down with him and say “Papa, I want to go to Varsity.” It’s not that I’m afraid of him; I’m actually afraid of my aunt because she helped build the church and she won’t let anyone other than me take it. I am afraid of the disappointment I’ll cause for my dad, loved ones, my community and the congregation. I can’t stand to disappoint them because they have never even once thought of disappointing me.

I am between a rock and a hard place. I have to choose between two different things. I have to pick between dreams and family. The life I have now and the one that’s planned for me or the one I dream of and plan on my own to live. Being the daughter of a preacher, people think your life is better than theirs and perfect.

People think you have no troubles and hardships. They just think you live like North West, Blue Ivy or some rich celebrity’s child. But Being the Preacher’s Daughter is nothing like that! Well at least my life, if there’s a child out there whose father is a single parenting preacher and they have the best life then I would give anything to swap lives with them.

My father is a great man I won’t lie; he has been an amazing father and friend to me and I, Kgaugelo Maria wa ga Phalane, am proud to have had a man like him raise me. My friends thought my life and dad was boring, but I enjoyed it! Growing up with the respect I had I knew I had a bright future and a good path to take in life. I was always an intelligent girl and still remain so but I don’t get why father refuses to see that I can’t let my intelligence go to waste in such a manner. A manner of inheriting the family church and marrying a Catholic to become a housewife! God forbid it even comes close to that.

If he knew from the beginning he was going to throw away my intelligence and let it go to waste, why did he bother himself and waste money on school fees. He put so much money in my education yet he had plans that have nothing to do with education. You don’t even need to learn other languages if you want to be a Pedi housewife.

You don’t even need to learn to say dumelang in English because you’ll never get to meet the rest of the world to use your English with. You’ll stay at home 365 days 24/7 looking after the thirteen children your husband has given you, cooking outside on the fire with smoke and all that heat, you’ll have very dry skin and walk barefoot covered by all sorts of fruits and chicken poo, and your children with broken skin, will be walking around with running noses.

My life is as complicated as the way my hair was so entangled this morning. Like the comb that refused to go through my hair smoothly, the huge comb of life refuses to go through my destiny. The softening hair spray can’t make my life easier for the comb to do its job. I mean even the moisturiser refuses with a big “No!” to contribute in helping to make the life of Kgaugelo Phalane easier. Deep breath…

But like I’ve mentioned before, my father being Joseph Phalane a great healer and preacher, I am treated with great respect. Respect I used to love but these days I detest. I don’t even want it! And to think I used to love being treated like lil’ ol’ princess, the daughter of the community. Everyone always made me their first priority and were there for me. I had more women in my life than there ever were designer shoes in Nicki Minaj and Rihanna’s shoe racks. Being a little girl I felt like I was the luckiest girl there ever was but then as I got older I started to think, why…

I never understood why people like the church’s Ladies bible study; u mam‘ Rebecca acted like she was always ready to give her life up for me. She was like the mother that left me so early. My friends from school thought she was my mother until I explained to them. But with her sexy body, nice voice, fancy clothes, cars and a good caring heart, I was never embarrassed for people thinking she was my mother.

She’s a great Zulu woman and I’m sure one day, God will get her a husband that will love and cherish her. She’s been through a lot, had a man who had proposed to her but a week before their marriage she found him with another woman! At that time, she was a month pregnant with twins, a girl and a boy who she, like my father, has raised on her own. She’s admirably a strong woman.

At that time not many people supported her, a few friends were there sometimes but her real pillar of strength was daddy. He helped raise her children; Mbalenhle Cecilia and Zwelisiwe Samuel Mavundla. Those two are like my younger siblings, I love them to death and they’re so cute. I have never met such cute eight year olds. They’re a real blessing to Mam Becca and everyone else.

Going back to my boring life of church and preaching, I can’t stand being who I am. I just want to run away from my life! That’s one of the reasons I want to get away from this place for university.

You’ll find someone older than my father bowing down to me, I get it! I get that daddy is a gifted man who has healed and helped many people. He is God’s servant and the only person I have ever met devoted to serve God. I am happy that even after getting a girl pregnant, he found salvation and a good path in life.

He says to me: “If you don’t marry a man who will become the next pastor of the church that will be your very own one day, then the board will take it away from you. It will no longer be the family’s church and will be given to someone else. That my jewel is the church that I and your mother built from scratch when I realised I was meant for preaching. Selena would turn in her grave if we ever lost that church and especially if you could have saved it.”

I don’t know if he realises it but he is emotionally blackmailing me and pressurising me. As much as daddy loves me and has always paid attention to me, there is one thing he hasn’t been paying attention to about me. I get because I grew up at the church and have always helped keep it up and going and even for the fact that I love it when he calls me Mam’ Fundisi he thinks I should be the one to keep the church. But if I do…if I do my life will be ruined. I have better plans in life, ones that do not include the church.

But papa….papa doesn’t know any of that. Because I have always been an obedient child he thinks I’ll jump to every command of his. His wish is not my command! I like that he has a calling in life, one that doesn’t have to do with his old fashioned ways but with the modern times.

I wish he could understand that I am a daughter, not a son. A son is a son till he grows and marries but a daughter’s a daughter for ever. Meaning a son’s duty is to no longer be a son but a man to a family and inherit all his father gives to him. But that is not a daughter’s responsibility; a daughter is forever a daughter and has no amount of the responsibilities of a man.

I wish my father could understand that I want other things in life.

***

Tell us: Do you agree that “a son’s duty is to no longer be a son but a man to a family” while for the girl she is a daughter forever?