That afternoon my children stayed at my mom as I told her I could not face them after the hearing. I felt defeated and worthless. I was disappointed in the Judge and the judicial system. I wanted to forget and I wanted to never wake up, depression hit me hard and I drank. I felt failed and worthless. Thinking of the people saying the worst is over, I felt hate. I felt like I let my kids down. I was the worst mother because I could not protect them from the emotional side of this. I could not take their pain away, or them seeing me nearly bleeding to death suffocating before their eyes. I had to forget.

My attacker told the Judge he wanted to kill me and he left me for dead. It struck me hard that she knew he wanted to kill me, had no remorse and did not care if my children saw me dead. I wanted to go to sleep like he told me to and never wake again feeling that my children could do so much better than having me around. I took strong pain pills, hoping that when the morning comes the pain and I would be gone.

I remember lying on the couch, between consciousness and unconsciousness, this one song played through the stereo. I could not remember anything else but the chorus:

“We made it through hell and back again, we were slipping through the cracks, staring at the end and we braved the weather. Hurricane couldn’t take you from me, I’m hauling, I’m tired, I still believe. Yeah, it just gets better. It just gets better.”

From that night on this song became my mantra. I believe that it was a message given to me to help me through the toughest of times. To tell me that I did what I could and that even though it was the worst, from now on it can only get better. Everyone’s life and situation is different, but I want you to know you are not alone.

Life is worth living one day at a time. In the end no matter what happens in your life, a tragedy, death of a loved one or even being bullied; there is light in the darkness, you just have to find the light switch so you can shine it on the good. You are not worthless, you are not helpless, and you are not hopeless. You are loved and you are a special person to someone, even if you cannot name one person you think loves you, I can guarantee you there are at least a few.

I still struggle with my depression and as a cause of the trauma I have a condition called fibromyalgia. We have a big support system and I can honestly say I have the best family and friends that share my life. Thank you for your support. I do not pity myself or ask for anyone else’s pity, I want to share our story so we may help others. Remember sometimes people just need to talk to someone who is willing to listen. Thank you my husband for listening.

To my attacker, I want to say I forgive you even though I still feel you deserved a harsher sentence.

Thank you to my children (the reason I am here), for being my heroes every day. Thank you for showing me that, if you can get through this without hate and discrimination, I can too. In the end remember: All of me, I will gladly give to you always.

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Tell us what you think: What worse do you have for Heleen?