Now my son will live to hate me. He will live out the hate towards the name of my great grandfathers of whom I have also live out to question their manhood. This is so ironic of me. How do stand out here to question someone’s manhood while I am here having lived for the underserved and deserted my son, my woman, damn I mean my ex-woman as she doesn’t want to see me. How do I dare even think about the word “blame” towards the only woman who was there for me? I lost all this because of the bottles of brandy and a whole bunch of idiotic, fake friends who saw me as their cash cow.

How do I undo all of this? How do I shake this habit, how do I get this out of mind? How do I relieve this stress? My loved ones question if am I losing the grip, as they should since they had always been there for me, but have I been there for them? Have I lived my life as I once intended to?

I cannot simply answer those questions, all I can do is to pray and hope that my son doesn’t grow up to have hatred towards me. I hope and pray that he will have trust in me and understand where I’m coming from. This is not an excuse, because if I would be blaming all the things I brought to my life, I would be the same as the man who knew nothing of me. I would be same as the man who drank to release the pain, to forget about his responsibilities, hence I want to change for the good of my people, by that I mean my loved ones.

This has opened my eyes that indeed nowadays I move around in wonder if what life could have been, had I been myself, had I remained true to myself, stayed true to my people, keep on doing what is best and good for me. I wish I knew the definite answer to that phenomenon but to be honest it’s quite late to discover that kind of unforeseen circumstances in this day of living and I blame no one but myself since I am the one who has lived for no one but the underserving creatures.

But is it too late? No, it cannot be, like I have said, I have a son and my people to live for.

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