It’s such people that make me cry whenever I reflect back on the life that was at the grasp of my hand, of which I let it all spill apart; the life I worked hard for, the life I had to defy the odds of being ill-treated by my peers of my very own village. The life I worked hard to not repeat the mistakes of my father. These are the moments that make me realize how much of a disappointment I am, not only to myself, but to everyone who had given up their time for me.

Such meaningless mistakes that I made when I was young turned out to be the fate that I would live to testify. Turning away from good people, and running away with all the bad ones, not giving a damn about what people say about me is what has caused me to not even know the date of birth of my own son, just like how my father doesn’t know mine. How things have turned out? Like father like son, nhee? I have to be ashamed of myself. Of all the mistakes the one thing I had promised I would never do was to not take care of my boy, now I was not even there at the time of his delivery since I was busy running wild in the world.

The one thing I had promised myself that no matter what happened I would never let my family or my children suffer, at least I have kept that promise with my family but how about my boy who I have never held up to this day. Am I slowly turning out to be the same as my father? Will it also happen for me to take fourteen birthdays before I actually get to hold my boy’s hand? It’s even worse now as his mother wants nothing to do with me, but can I ever blame her.

How can I even think of the word “blame” when I think of the mother who gave me a precious boy who I only get to see on photograph. Am I paying the price of being ignorant? Did I listen to the opinions of wrong people? Who is the real me when I couldn’t distinguish the bad from the good. Did I sign up for all the wrong reasons? Have my own thoughts and devious actions backfired on me?

I really wonder if this incident with my son has exposed me for who I really am? Am I a bad person for living my life trying to get appreciation from the people who hated me, the ones from my village? Instead of taking care of my life I took care of the ones who never loved me, I did this not because I wanted to but because I wanted to gain their respect. I wanted to have my place in the very same village that saw no good in me. I tried to impress people who had no dreams or visions, just because they knew people and places. I never took care of the girl I impregnated. All the people who I wanted to fit in with with are nowhere to be seen today as I battle all the demons I invited in my life.

Tell us: Do you think there is still hope for him and his son?