It is true when they say you have to know where you come from to know where you are going. I believe part of that statement does not only apply to matters of roots; who your father and mother is or just your cultural background. A part of it means you have to know the kind of home you come from, the manners you have been taught, the love you have been given. If there is confusion about that, chances are you will find it hard to find inner peace; the real you, and in turn, make it hard for people to accept when you are exposed to the real world, outside of your family.
I am no psychologist but I say this out of my own personal experience, the one I still experience even at present day.
My mother was one of those teenage mothers who refused to accept that they had a child at a young age and they had to accept that and love the child. As a result, I only know little of my mother’s love. That is, the love I get when I have done something that is extremely good, not just good, but extremely good. So it was conditional love, it still is.
At home I have been taught to respect people, help people but I have never been taught to love. My family loves me but the love I need I do not receive; my mother’s love, the love I deserve, the love I am entitled to.
There is a space in my heart needing to be filled. I have tried many times to fill it but it is not other people’s love that it needs, but the love of my mother. I am a good person but the lack of my mother’s love holds me back; keeps me from making long term friends, best friends, keeps me away from maintaining a good relationship with a male, keeps me away from socialising, keeps me away from many things. It keeps me away from working hard to find myself.
I made a decision to isolate people from my life, be done with guys just to try and find myself, but that has brought me more pain than relief and peace. Every time I try to move forward I see people happy with their boyfriend, friends together sharing everything with each other but mostly daughters communicating with their mothers.
Of course that hurts. But now instead of me trying to find myself, I try to also get those things. I contact exes to try and see if we cannot make our relationship work. I contact my long list of friends to see if there is none that I can make a best friend with. Then I try to communicate with my mother but it is quite hard to build a relationship after so many years of no effort.
A relationship between a 40 something year old and a 21-year-old. A relationship between two females who look a bit the same, have almost the same personality, but are worlds apart. Between two people, where the daughter is the one who is putting in more effort than the mother, finding myself is proving difficult.
There is always that thought at the back of my mind that my mother could not accept me. She could not love me as her first born daughter, the first female in the family to go to university. It hurts, it confuses, it paralyses the mind, depresses.
I have been seeking for myself inner peace, acceptance from friends, a place to belong. How and where could I find those when my primary source of love was never really available from my life? Could not love me the way she is supposed to? How could I love and accept myself when the very same person that brought me to Earth could not do that?
Finding my identity is proving to be hard because I may know where I come from and the things I have been taught. But the little thing I struggle with is the reason why my own mother cannot love me. I am growing but I still feel like a kid. I am stuck in a stage, waiting to be loved by my mother so I could progress to other stages of my life. One really has to know where they come from to move forward with confidence in life.
To all the mothers who neglect their children out there: the consequences are very harsh, painful, damaging and depressing for the child. If you have a loving mother, be thankful for her every day and be grateful for her love.