I’m a young lady who grew up on the outskirts on an area called Nqutu. I was raised by my grandmother since my parents weren’t there to take care of me, they were working in Johannesburg. I enjoyed staying there until my parents decided to come and stay with me and my siblings at home. Then we had to migrate from grandma’s to their house, and that’s where the turning point of my life started.
I think I could have refused to live with my parents since they were separated. I was my father’s favourite I must admit, so I think that was the cause of the conflict between me, my mom and my sibling.
I studied until I finished my matric and my dad was always there every step of the way. He was very supportive but the other family members were not. After matric, I went to Durban to further my studies and still my dad was the only one who was supportive of me. I started studying in varsity but due to the fact that fees were too high and my dad couldn’t afford it, I had to drop out.
I tried putting my life together. You know life after matric is never the same, so during that time of doing nothing, I met a guy I used to date while I was in school. We started dating again and I fell pregnant. That was the second turning point of my life. I told the guy I was pregnant and he said that he had nothing to do with my pregnancy.
I was so stressed out not knowing what to tell my parents when they asked about the baby and I was also afraid of my dad while feeling ashamed at the same time. Maybe if my mom and I were close it would’ve been easier to tell the family. Mind you my mom and sibling weren’t happy that my dad loved me more, so obviously they were going to be happy that I disappointed him. But still I decided to keep it.
Then the father of my child came back around wanting to be the part of his child’s life, and because I loved him I agreed plus it was a relief that I could come out about my pregnancy. I thought the father of my child came back into my life to do good, I didn’t know that I was putting a finger in my eye.
I never enjoyed my pregnancy because he abused me emotionally in such way that I started having complications. I had to go to the hospital every month. Still my dad was the one supporting me, giving me money to go for antenatal check-ups. The father of my child never did. You know why? He was dating someone else and that girl was the one making decisions for him like whether he should come for a visit with me to the hospital or not. I lived that life until I gave birth to my handsome son.
On the second day after I gave birth, my son’s father showed up with his girlfriend at the hospital, I didn’t know what to do or say, I just stood still and cried. I had no say, the girl was overpowering me.
When my son turned eight months old, his father and his girlfriend abused me so much that I tried to commit suicide. I had no shoulder to cry on or someone to tell how I felt because I was alone. My own family was enjoying my downfall and even my dad started to distance himself from me.
I had nobody so I thought suicide was the only option but luckily I didn’t succeed, because my older sister came just in time to my room after I drank potassium permanganate. I was admitted to the hospital for three days then I got discharged and went back home, mind you I was still breast feeding my child. I never thought about him, I was selfish I must admit, but I was depressed and had no support.
The following year my son was turned one year old and my life was still not good, I felt like my life stopped and the darkness overcame me, I was giving up on life until something showed up and my life seemed to lighten up again. But still things didn’t want to come together so I could start enjoying my life to the fullest.
If I knew moving from my grandmother’s would be like that, I could have said NO. If I knew that the guy didn’t love me, that he was just there to destroy my future and my dad’s love, I could have said NO to dating him.
I could say NO to attempting to take my life. I could say no to everything, if I was able to predict the future I would live my life the best way I can.