I could say no. But I don’t. I never do. Even though it breaks me, hurts me or ends up with me in shambles by myself at 3am in my cold room. My ‘aha’ moment came to me at 2am in the morning. Realising that I was in denial, that I had a problem. I cannot keep blaming other people for my own actions. I could say no to one more shot, or that last drink. I could say no to inconveniencing myself to help people that don’t care about me. I could say no, but I never do. I really want to though. I want to say no so badly but I’m scared that I’ll lose you. I’m scared of who I am outside of always being this person you know. I know I have to change something — even if it’s small.
My aha moment was me realising that I couldn’t love you completely until I loved and nurtured me properly. My perspective suddenly changed. Growing up wasn’t scary anymore. Knowing I could say no without missing a single heart beat or stuttering and the right people would understand was liberating. Knowing that I could take accountability and apologise when I’ve messed up instead of cowering into a corner and blaming everyone else suddenly wasn’t as terrifying. I could say no. I can say no. And when I do need to, I will say no.
You learn so much about yourself when you’re in a dark place. You learn that it is so easy to shift blame. So easy to say, “Well I mean she asked me to”. So easy to not take accountability and trust in yourself because nobody likes a party pooper. But you’re not happy are you. It’s all an act. It’s you trying to convince yourself that this is healthy, that there’s nothing wrong with the way you’re living. But you know not all stories have happy endings.
You still act surprised by the consequences of your own actions. No, no. I’m not attacking you. I’m simply telling you the truth. If you’ve read this far you now know that we’re impulsive and a little sad. But these letters we write to ourselves when we have the epiphanies are mandatory because it shows that there is progress, that we want to change. That we want to say no to pessimism and yes to everything good. You’re doing your best and it’s enough. No one can take that away from you. So every time you’re put in a situation where you could say no and you saying no is the best option at that moment then say it. Don’t look back. Assert yourself and say no. Then come back to this letter and read it. Remember why tiny victories matter and that you won something from being able to walk away from something you didn’t want to do. You’ve done it. You’ve said no and it feels good doesn’t it?
Tell us: Do you have trouble saying no even though you really want to? Why?