I was only thirteen years old; it wasn’t my intention baby girl or boy. I wanted to keep you, but the world never loved us, I couldn’t take it anymore.
I was just an innocent girl, I didn’t know anything. My mother died when I was 8 years old, she was involved in a car accident and so it happened that I had to stay with my father. I would say my father was the sweetest, caring and most loving person. He would sometimes tell me to stay away from boys and focus on school, but I didn’t see it coming, I didn’t see the true meaning behind his words.
It was just a normal night and as usual my father came late from work, so I was sleeping by the time he got home. I woke up to the sound of my father entering my room. He said that he had something for me. I didn’t suspect what was coming as I always knew that I was safe around him. I then saw him taking off his belt, that shocked me as I thought he meant that he had a present. He then held me tightly and raped me. I tried to stop him but I had no strength, I was so young. I felt nothing and was so empty. I didn’t sleep that night and I felt a lot of pain.
In the morning he pretended as if nothing happened. Before I went to school he came into my room and threatened to kill me if I told anyone.
I went to school very heartbroken. My maths teacher noticed that I wasn’t myself that day as I distanced myself from other children and didn’t participate in the class. She came and asked me what was wrong, believe me I wanted to tell her but I was so scared as I knew that if I told her I wouldn’t have a place to sleep because I wouldn’t be able to go home. My father was the only family I had, I had nowhere else to go.
Three months later I found out that I was pregnant. Nothing hurt me like knowing that the child ne a tlo swana lege ele ngwana wa gexu (I was pregnant with was my father’s child) even though she or he was mine. For a moment I wondered if my mother was alive whether any of this would’ve happened? My only father didn’t care enough to protect me, he simply managed to ruin my happiness and made me hate my childhood. Other children were having good lives but here I was living with sadness, not knowing if my father was going to kick me out of the house. I dropped out of school thinking that I would try and raise the child and never tell him or her about his or her father, but I guess I was fooling myself.
My father came from work early and found me sitting watching TV. I had nothing to do since I dropped out of school as I didn’t want anyone to notice that I was pregnant. My father was very angry that day and told me that I had to have an abortion as he didn’t want anyone to find out that the child was his. It was a very difficult decision to make. I tried to explain to him but it didn’t help as he beat me, telling me that he would kill me if I didn’t do what he said. I guess I didn’t have any choice.
I had the abortion. That day I lost my unborn child, but I also lost my soul during the abortion process. Losing my child killed me.
My father killed his own blood. All I needed was someone to protect me from this cruel life, but that never happened.
Tell us: What advice would you give to someone who went through such a traumatic experience?