I used to hate people. I never liked to be looked at. It made me think the next person could see deep into my soul if I talked to them for longer than five minutes. I thought they’d see the pain, the emotional scars, and not associate with me any more. I am scared of rejection.
I had been feeling so out of place lately. It’s not anything new, but it takes me by surprise every time. Can you imagine that I could go for months without looking at myself in the mirror? Because I hated myself so much. I was in primary school then. I mean, if I was already at that stage of hate in primary, where do you think I am now? I couldn’t bear to see my hideous face. No scars, no scary pimples, just me.
I had recently been to a school camp and while I was there, a man came. He was tall, black, had a posh English accent. He was smart and had on a grey-ish shirt. He was there to motivate us for some reason. Before he began his talk he asked us, “Who thinks they are beautiful?” Woah, such a question! I immediately panicked and people raised their hands, but as you would have guessed, I didn’t.
A girl in front of me turned back and asked me why didn’t I raise my hand because wow, have I seen myself? I started tearing up and mumbled some nonsense trying to get away from her question. That alone tells you I don’t love myself and nyani keh andizithandi tuu.
Recently a new Shekhinah song called “Beautiful” has managed to lift up my spirits. It made me realise I am on a journey of discovering my true self, but it’s a little too late now isn’t it? I don’t know. All I know is that I won’t stay feeling this sad. People ought to know about me. People need to see me and say damn! When we talk about self-love, we mean that girl. Obviously not today or tomorrow, but someday, someday they will.
I’ll love myself one day.
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