He used to love me. We cared about each, but everything changed at a later stage in the relationship. I ended up not being enough and I didn’t even know how.

I was depressed and close to committing suicide, then I met Carl. He made me rethink my decisions, made me smile and see my future again. But was it going to last till death do us part? Was I now picturing the rest of my life with him? Did he feel the same way?

Carl gave me the reason to complete my studies and look for a job, a reason to wake up in the morning and a reason to go to sleep. Few months passed by and we were so happy, even when we faced challenges, we conquered them. Then he changed on me. He stopped supporting me, my dreams and making me smile again. I was in denial about it at first and told myself that it was just a phase.
At first, I felt enough and felt like I deserved all the happiness coming my way, not knowing that hell will meet me halfway. For, a moment I was the happiest girl on earth, and people could see the glow that I had, but after the honeymoon phase, my face just turned dull.
I went back to the state he found me in, depressed. My life became a living hell, I made him the God of my life. I let him dictate when I should be happy, angry or sad and that definitely gave him the reason to feel like he owned me. I tried several times to break up with him but I kept running back to him with open arms.
I made him my God, so I couldn’t live without him. The more he realised that, the more he kept hurting and breaking me into pieces. I would be lying if I said he pushed me back to being depressed. What I experienced when I was with him was beyond that, it’s definitely fit to be hell.
He started changing, he didn’t abuse me physically but emotionally. There were days where I’d cry and ask God to take my life because it was too much to take in, the pain I was feeling just added to all the challenges and the pain I was facing before him.
He came to me as a wolf clothed in a sheep’s skin, showed me love before killing my soul and burying me alive. Even throughout the lies, cheating and emotional abuse that I experienced, I still saw him as the love of my life.
People would tell me to let him go and I would, but a few hours after breaking up, I would text him and apologise for everything that I did and life would go on like nothing happened. He would forgive me and not apologise, like I was the one at fault. I tried committing suicide in order for the pain to end, he would save me just to make me face flames all over again.

I still ask myself how I survived all that, why I am still alive and why I still think about him daily, regardless of what I faced when I was with him. In case you’re wondering if I have healed, I haven’t healed and I definitely have a long way to go. Loving someone and investing yourself in their lives is never easy, so does getting out of that relationship.


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