*inspired by a true story*
People tend to look at a person and pass judgement… All my life I’ve had people misjudging me. I’ve had them label me with all sorts of names. People always think they know better, they always think they see it as it is, as if they know the reasons behind the way one conducts one’s self. They are the first ones to think they know ‘why?’
I AM TIRED OF BEING MISJUDGED by people who do not know me!!! My body feels numb, my heart beats like an empty vessel when I am alone and like a disco-drum when I am in a crowd; and where there is enmity, bitterness comes through. Inside me lies a huge vacuum; I think my heart is failing me. My mind becomes enormously heavy when I think about my life, where I come from, where I am now and where I am going. I always ask myself: What has gone wrong? How did I reach this point? Why me? Why did I have to suffer emotional, physical and all sorts of abuse? Where do I go? Oh my! Why now, why?
I’ve become so vulnerable… There are times I wish I knew the moments that were the best of my life… Those moments before and after I was born, that time before life removed all the innocence, yes! That time before life showed me flames, before I saw how cruel the world could be… I am sure that right then I felt warm and loved, or maybe secure and comfortable, or rather much cared for… Oh! I believe maybe, given a chance to relive those moments, a chance to remember that experience, maybe just maybe I could have a reason(s) to offer a real smile… Because life has removed all the joy in me. I now wear a fake smile to shield my sorrow. I cried to a point where my tears dried and I could cry no more. I screamed so that I lost my voice long ago. I wish I could go back to my mom’s womb where I was shielded from the unbearable, unfriendly and inhumane circumstances of this rough world. I just imagine that maybe those were the moments worth living.
I have a question that keeps popping up: Why are those memories hidden from us? Is it because they are not as we very much hope they must have been? I wonder what it felt like in that little inside world, because this outside world has spat up on me many times! This outside world has burnt me time and again and has brought only the worst upon me! Oh my! Right now, I am a lone wanderer. Right at this moment, I am very much confused. Right at this moment, I am damaged inside-out. Oh dear life you are deadly, life oh life! Oh dear life you are unfair, life oh life! Oh dear life you are dreadful, life oh life! My experiences, better and worse, made me who I am. I have no regrets about how my life turned out. I chose to build a shelter with all the stones life threw at me…
Who are people to pass judgement on me? Who are they to think I am not enough? They do not know how many times I fell, because they see me standing; neither do they know how many times life undressed me, because they see me fully clothed. All they see is a happy face with a fake smile; they see what I want them to see. But they judge anyway. All they see is an inverse of what lies inside, yes inside me lies the greatest sorrows and the deepest scars. Inside I am broken into countless pieces but I keep myself together. People will never know how much my shattered soul is troubled… SO WHO ARE THEY TO PASS JUDGEMENT?