I remember what death looked like, if I go back in time. Back then, I was a clueless toddler who did not know what went wrong. All I heard was “she is no more”. People were weeping, I thought they were singing, or I don’t know. On Saturday, I remember pretty well, we were all wearing black clothes and there were a lot of people. Some were friendly towards me as they let me sit down on their lap.
They told me I will be OK and that my aunt is OK. I knew these people were messing with my mind. How can she be OK? She was laying in something which looked like a big box. Well, it was a coffin. I did not know why everyone was looking at that box which they claimed in it, was my aunt. My dear aunt, why was she so silent?
The ceremony was an open casket funeral. I was really getting cold feet after what seeing people go there and break to tears. What was in that box? It was my time to see her for the last time. When I took a look I saw her laying there so beautiful and she was sleeping. I wanted to wake her up but this sleep was an unusual one and it got me shivering with fear. It felt like I was looking at a stranger. I saw death all over her.
It’s not like I did not know what death was; I was in my second grade. Before her death, she told me she loved me and that I must study very hard and I will be successful someday. She told me I must go to school and that she will be OK. She was sick. The naive me, listened to her and went to school. I should have known that she was saying her final goodbye.
I will always regret doing so.
She was a good woman who raised me, and she was my mother when my biological mother abandoned me. This is a pain I will always live with. That day, she did not die alone but with me. That day was the death of me. The only difference is I am alive but I am dead inside but at least she is at peace. She is way better than me. I know what it feels like – being dead. I used to be afraid of death but the truth is I am not. My actual death won’t hurt me as much because I am already dead. You cannot kill what is already dead.
Nobody can save me from myself, not even a knight and shining armour or prince of charm. I failed to even save myself. I tried everything to ease the agony I feel inside of me. I tried to drown myself by using drugs in an attempt to numb myself down. Drugs did not do anything, instead they just created havoc. I lost myself, and I came back from something called NDE (Near Death experience).
Trust me, overdosing is not as pretty cool as in the movies. I was lucky to survive an overdose. Hip hop artist Asap Yam was no lucky one. The guy died from a drug overdose. My self-destructive behaviour was my way of crying for help as I was drowning. Even today, I never really let her go. I am struggling to let her go. It feels like she died yesterday, when she’s been dead for like decades.
I am trying to snap out of moments of weakness, but I forget that I am only human. Crying won’t bring her back, I’m only torturing myself. I must just accept that I will never hear her nice voice again and that she is asleep for good. Only the Lord knows why her out of all the bad people that I know of.
I am all alone. All I’ve got is a pen and paper to write down all my woes and cries as I write my first open letter. Writing only makes me confess the real me. Yes! I might appear to be happy, but dear just know that it is all just a facade. I am really dying inside. I am a true living zombie.