I’m writing this letter because I’ve tried moving on from everything but it’s really hard. It’s been over a decade since you passed on but I have not been able to forgive you. I still have not forgiven both of you for dying, but with mom it’s different because she was there. You never bothered.
The other day I saw a post on social media asking: “when last did your dad hug you?” It broke me because I didn’t even know what your hug was like. Maybe if I did, nothing would be a blur today. I’d know how your heart beats when I was around. I’d know how you smell. The only memory I have of you was you saying I look like a spoilt brat. What did you expect? Mom did everything to make sure that I looked nothing different from the ordinary child who had both parents. So if that was a compliment, thank you.
You deprived mom the recognition she deserved. I’d get so excited when you made empty promises that I’d go tell all my friends you would get me this or that. I couldn’t talk about most of the extraordinary stuff. When you didn’t deliver, mom had to deliver and I still had to say you bought it because I never wanted anyone to know my father didn’t keep his promises.
So no one knew that all those nice things my mom had to slave alone for and you never did. What still confuses me is why would you raise my hopes so high when you knew you weren’t gonna deliver?
You played with me and mom had to pay for it.
From the age of six my stepdad had to raise me. He had a way better paying job than mom so I was on the receiving end. That became more confusing for me because I always asked why he loved me. Mom always said: ‘when someone falls in-love with someone they fall in love with every part of them,’ but whoever loved you did not love me. Or maybe they never knew of my existence?
I’m forever grateful for the man that God put in my mom’s life because if it weren’t for him, I don’t think I’d even know what a father’s love feels like. They say people who die pass on their blessings to the living. How many times have you blessed the man who raised your child?
The hardest part is I have so many questions: Why you left? Why you never said you loved me? Why you were never there? I have found my other siblings but I’m the only one who never knew you. Therefore, it’s like I’m talking bad of the dead when I speak about you. At times I wonder if you robbed me or did me a favour by not being part of my life. Would I have turned out differently if I knew you? If you happen to bump into mom in heaven I hope you thank her because regardless of what you did to her, to us, she still covered for you. Maybe she hoped that you would change.
Dear dad one day I will forgive you but right now it’s just still too difficult. Maybe when I’m older I’ll see things differently but for now continue resting in piece.
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