I was single. I was in my room thinking about how I can possibly change my life as I had moved to a new chapter. I was about to go to varsity but then I had to wait another year for the NSFAS money I had applied for. I knew that when I get to varsity I will find what my heart has been looking for. Love. I hadn’t been able to control my emotions since puberty, and I also wanted the best education. It was what I really needed in my life to get myself and my family out of poverty.

I sat home waiting for my day to come. I couldn’t take sitting home every day doing house chores, even social media was becoming boring. I always wanted to take a gap year when I had finished my matric but I never knew it was somehow this boring.

I had daydreams of going clubbing and spending money at taverns like it was nothing and I would get attention. People would notice when I arrived; everyone would scream and say, “Hawe uLubabalo, mbuke – look at him.” They would call my name repeatedly because of my charms, my clothes and money. But those were just thoughts.

I stayed home wishing and desiring that a pretty girl would appear and come to my rescue. My head was full of romance and desire. I was once in love, but then again I was a kid who thought was much wiser. Maybe I wasn’t that wise; it was the pressure from my friends. I ended up dating a girl. I loved her so much I couldn’t wait for dawn so I could go and meet her at our usual spot. I must say I never kissed her. A kiss was a big issue to me and I felt she would hit me or scold me. Maybe I was just scared because a single kiss has never hurt anyone.

But she was stolen from me. Am so stupid I hesitated. My own brother stabbed me in the back and he took my flower.

I don’t think my anger would’ve released me if I did not do so: I slept with my friend’s girlfriend. I felt good seducing her; it felt like vengeance. But then she was innocent, I wanted to punish my friend for my brother’s mistakes. I did not care anymore because my heart just kept on telling me that all girls were whores. I told her that Sipho didn’t like her and he was cheating. She then became emotional.

Yes! A moment I’d been waiting for. She was emotional so this meant the perfect time for me to take advantage. I just kissed her to test how she’d react. But she didn’t say anything. I took off her bra and her panties and the next happened within a blink of an eye.

I told her never to tell Sipho this because it was a mistake.

I then felt what I did was wrong. I had to live with that regret that I betrayed my friend and I did not tell him.

One day Sipho came to me and said, “Luther bro, I don’t know what’s really going on with my relationship with Onela. I don’t think she loves me anymore. Can you believe she said we need to take a break? I don’t know why Luther mfethu, I haven’t cheated or anything,”

“Eish, sorry boy,” was all I could say. “Maybe you need to move on bro,”

“You are right Luther. What if Onela found a new boyfriend that gives her everything?”

“Ja, what if Sipho. Your girlfriend is a slut Sipho my friend,”

“What! Why would you say that Luther?”

“Because she’s running after boys who have money,” I tried to cover up so that Sipho can never find out about me and Onela.

But Sipho’s words about not cheating on her hurt me because he was my friend and we grew up together. We were like brothers. Onela’s topic touched a nerve in me because I was the one having an affair with his girlfriend. The worst was that I treated her like a slut when I took advantage.