Our teen years are our best and yet our worst. It’s the years when all exciting (and not so exciting) events take place. Our hormones are all over the place. We are discovering love, losing for best (or worst) those we thought loved us. It’s just not fair being me!

Everyone discusses my sexuality. I guess this wouldn’t have taken place if I was more like a ‘normal’ teenage girl. I either dress like cotton candy or gothic. I’m worried about acne and my hairstyle. I tried getting in shape and making myself more noticeable but then that was not how things panned out. It is just so hard living in a world that doesn’t understand you. Everyone judges you based on who you are on the outside instead of finding what’s on the inside and understanding the reasons behind your actions.

I’m in Grade 11, no failed year. Most of my peers or even those younger than me have claimed to have found their true love or have had several relationships before. Most of these are not heartfelt and it’s just to push time. Is this what our youth has stooped to? I have never been in love before. Many judge and criticise me but I honestly don’t care. I will not allow myself to grow up and become a copy of what the rest of ‘dithaka tsaka’ are. I refuse to be held captive in my own body.

Many people have questioned my sexuality! I do not see any value in answering them because it’s my personal preference. I believe the LGBTQI community has the colours of the rainbow for a purpose. Let us please stop limiting ourselves to monochrome just because of where we come from and who our parents or families are in the community. 

My sexuality still remains my privacy to this day. Well, maybe I am afraid, I am 16 and afraid. I’m afraid of true heartbreak and not being accepted for who I am. I am afraid that one day someone will tell me that they love me and I may not be able to live with that. But most importantly, I’m afraid of what men have become! The men of today are not those of yesterday!

Our brothers have become rapists, our fathers are our killers, and our preachers molest us. Our male friends have become our one-night hook ups, our uncles have become our abusers. I am afraid of all of these things. I don’t allow myself to fall in love because of fear, because of the image that has been framed in my mind that patriarchy is still in existence. I’m afraid because I have a shallow voice, who’ll help me when I scream out for help? Our community members have become spectators in such unfortunate ordeals. I am afraid to let another man touch my body again – with or without permission. I am afraid of becoming a statistic.

I’m slowly learning that life is like a washing machine, it spins us, dry us and knock us all around but from the experiences we come out cleaner and better. So maybe with that in mind I can try and live once more. The fear has been stuck in my mind but nobody knows the outcome, what might come from simply sharing some love. So I’ll take that chance. If it compromises my happiness, I can look away and go back to my ways. But right now, my sexuality remains my secret! Let’s fight for gender equity among the rainbow.


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