From my dictionary, I don’t know about yours. Trauma is defined as a state of great shock of sadnesses caused by a particular event. From my experiences in life though, I have my own definition of trauma.

For me, trauma is not just caused by a particular event. It is also caused by a series of events that build up to be a great state of shock or sadness. I am at this moment scribbling and scrabbling my emotional and psychological state, not to paint myself as a victim, but as to analyse and identify trauma as a science student. Not being in control of my own emotions and life has always been my greatest fear.

First and foremost, men have traumatized me. Fear not, dear reader I was never raped. The men around me were never an example that a young child had to see and experience. The first man was my father. That man, as the artist Rumgold once sang, broke my heart before I knew what it was. Love that is. He rejected me before I knew what rejection was.

Then primary school came. I was surrounded by male teachers who sexually assaulted young pupils like it was their second day job. One teacher, who was my class teacher at the time touched me inappropriately and thankfully I was a blabbermouth. I reported him before anything got out of hand. Also one of the teachers I used to like then, I recently found out that he sexually assaulted a young girl and got arrested for it.

So imagine the trauma that I have. It even clouds my judgement at times. Some of the people I know and friends I have have either been raped or sexually harassed in some way, girls or boy. All of this done by men. Imagine all of this while also living in a society where these things are normalised.

The fathers and uncles we grew up around look at us like hungry lions seeing their next meal passing by. High school is no better, rumours have been spread around, making us uneasy and not knowing who to trust. That is why I am so afraid. That is why I was terrified on April 26 2024. It three quarters why. My favourite English teacher scared the hell out of me.

The other quarter is that I once had a favourite teacher in primary, we had a connection and she passed away. That is why when I found myself having a favourite teacher in high school, I quickly tried to detach before I got too attached. So I was afraid on this day that if the thing he said, was the thing I least wanted him to say. I would have lost another teacher in a way that was worse than death.

If this was just theatre and I’m really hoping that it is (fingers crossed). I’m glad it happened because it made me realize that I have deep-rooted trauma