I felt crazy, like my world was just set on fire. I wanted to scream, I wanted to burst into tears, I wanted to get drunk and kill myself, but all I could do was to stare at the wall of my bedroom in silence.

I slapped myself. Twice and painfully. I did it again and again and again like I was crazy. I wanted to feel pain to forget about my real pain.

I wanted to text someone, to tell them I have an ache in my heart. I wanted to call someone and tell them that when I place my hand on my chest, I can’t feel my heart beat. But I had no one so instead I pulled my phone up from the floor and dialled 911.

“911 hello?”

“My heart hurts. I can’t breathe”, and after that, i heard nothing and everything went black. I was almost glad because I thought I had died.

When I gained consciousness, I instantly recognised where I was by the smell of medicine, the blue walls, the white bedding and the beeping sounds of machines. I was in a hospital, with no one but myself. I was still alive, that meant I failed at everything, even dying.

A middle-aged nurse entered the room. She was beautiful, with a beauty spot above her lips. With a sad smile she waved her hand at me, “Hello Layla Martin. I’m Sarah, your nurse. I’m so glad you’re awake. Do you remember anything that happened?”

I flashed a broken smile at her, unsure of what I should say. I remembered. I remembered it all clearly like it was a recent nightmare.

She continued, “You have been unconscious for a week and a few days. How are you feeling?”

“I’m ok.”

Even though I remembered everything, I still had a glimpse of hope that they still cared. So I asked the nurse, “Did anyone come to see me?” I was smiling now, despite the fact that she hadn’t answered me yet because in my heart, I had hope.

I wiped out the smile I had placed on my face temporarily. Tears welled up in my eyes and I glanced up to the ceiling, flicking my eyelashes just so my tears don’t fall.

When that failed, I turned my face away from the nurse Sarah because I couldn’t bear the thought of her feeling sorry for me. I closed my mouth with my shaky hands but I failed dismally and I sobbed painfully and loudly. It was enough to make the nurse almost cry too. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. 

“I didn’t do it Sarah. I didn’t kiss him. But nobody believes me.” I couldn’t stop. I kept crying and Sarah kept assuring me that she believes me, although she knew nothing about me or what I was talking about. It all didn’t matter because Silas didn’t believe me and Maria didn’t believe me; the only two people I had left.