Growing for me has been weired and unbearable. Unlike most children in my village I could not be seen playing. I was shy,quite and sombre most of the time, one would swear I was a victim of abuse but no it was my natural style. I couldn’t express my feelings and thoughts. I couldn’t even decide what I like or not. I was like a walking zombie.

In response to my natural style I agreed with whatever my family said. I believed whatever they believed. When they said horrible thinks about other people I would also believe that. I ended up believing the cruel and harsh things they said about the LGBTQI+ family. I didn’t just stop there but I went on and did the same. I judged people based on their sexuality. I was insensitive of their feelings. I did all this without considering that we’re all different and thus have different issues.

When I was in grade seven I was lonely, no one befriend me except for one girl who was a lesbian. Well I chased her away without realising by being mean and trying to preach to her that she was committing a sin. I forced her to live a normal life but wasn’t she normal? Living her life without fear didn’t make her feel like not normal but rather ordinary and brave. Well with a blink of an eye she was gone and I was lonely again. She told me how much my sharp words breaks her heart. Se said she couldn’t change the way I was thinking and couldn’t change the way God created her too. So since then we became oil and water.

It was so funny for me to watch her being bullied at school because she was gay. I would always whisper in her ears whilst she sat by the corner crying after being the school comedian “Only if you listened to me” but it was a futile exercise. It was like talking to a def person.

In high school I met new poeple and got some friends. My friends were cool and funny I was enjoying their company and felt free around them. They spent most of time in social media following Hlogi and Hope and many other lesbians as well as celebrates. There was a certain time where I would be left alone when my friends were dating. I was the only one who had no boyfriend and I didn’t take any notice of it. I thought it wasn’t the right time until I had a weired and strange feeling about one of my female classmates when I was in grade ten. It took me a long time to realise that it was love and that I was my own enemy.

I wished I could reverse time and make my own decisions and believe what I thought it was right not what my family thought it was right. Just as my friend from grade seven had told me I also couldn’t change the way God has created me.

Now I am experiencing the pain of being judged based on my sexuality and even though my friend has forgiven me for being mean to her and supports me I still feel bad about what l did to her. Even though l now knows that being an LGBTQI+ member is not a choice I can’t bear to tell my family about my sexuality they believe what they believe so yeah it’s myself against myself because my family’s beliefs are my beliefs.