“Ndiyanibiza Makwedini!” ( Boys, I’m calling you) That is my grandfather’s voice. I hear it every night before I go to sleep. He died when I was only 7, from “iswekile”( diabetes) but I still hear his voice. I hear it in my dreams, in my nightmares. In those lucid dreams where everything feels like it is happening in real time… that voice wakes me up.

I once responded to it, “usibizela ntoni xhegu!”( why are you calling us old man) it did not waste any minute in response. The voice became deeper, closer… it was in my ear ” Makwedini, Sabelani!” I screamed out of sleep. And told my panicked mother. She too like the voice was fast with solutions at the family meetings. She new exactly what I needed, exactly what should have been done.

Maybe I needed the mbeleko ceremony that came a few months after the incident. It is also possible that I needed that 1 month fasting and prayer from my aunt’s church. To someone going through the same thing as me, I would not recommend the ladies from my mom’s church. They beat the demons out of you, physically. You kneel on the floor with your hands in the air. You close your eyes, even though oblivious to the attack ahead. You sweat from prayer until you cry and then a whole bucket of water is splashed at you. No matter how tough you seem, that bucket turns you into a WAP. Then the beating comes, you get pulled, smashed and thrown in all directions.

I think I was in Grade 4, when the voice took a break. I slept well throughout the night, no nightmares, no voices and no more waking up to a wet bed. I’m only reflecting now, because it just came back. I keep asking myself why it had to return now that I’m in Grade 11. Could it not wait till I finish school? There’s only one more year left!

It came back on Wednesday evening, on my way back home after Aviwe’s party. I met these guys on the road, they were originally positioned in the passage alley. As soon as they saw me from a distance they joined the main road and surrounded me. One of them asked in a hoarse voice ” Oh nana, What’s your name?”