Never meant to be

I am not usually one person to stick around especially if my efforts rather go unnoticed but with Kuhle, it was different. It was as if he had some kind of spell on me and I was rather unbothered.

I loved him.

We had met at the Central University of Technology, I was doing my Medical Laboratory Sciences whereas he was doing Computer Sciences.

We immediately fell in love so much that it felt overwhelming at times but it somehow felt relieving to know that someone had your back, a priceless feeling. Three months later, Kuhle had changed and I could no longer recognize him. We had shared and exchanged so much but hurtful words were one thing we commonly exchanged.

Honestly, him terrorizing me emotionally, physically and mentally was not what was painful but him becoming a total stranger towards me was most painful. I would often ask myself what is it that had changed him so rapidly. I never had the strength to leave. How could I when I was all he had? His family abandoned him after his parents passed away, he was too much of an expense they would say.

Kuhle was one person that would listen to what I wanted to say whenever I wanted to from dusk up until dawn. He was so warm-hearted and I loved that most about him. At his worst he would sometimes wake me up at midnight and ask, “Mandisa,do you want to leave me?”.

And of course the bruises covering my entire body would scream “yes” but my heart wanted me to stay and so I would gather enough strength to say,”No, not ever K.”

It became a pattern, repeating the same thing apologizing and guilt-tripping over and over again.

Forced love that screamed so much pain and sorrow, not even family could see it.

Three most painful years of my life with insecurities building up each day, taking each day as it comes praying that he does not insult me about things that I can never change even in decades to come.

It was on the third of February, three days before our fourth anniversary of most painful and ignorant love. I had come back from work when I found Kuhle laying on the floor with a note beside him that had bloodstains at the top corner of it. He was dead, I instantly knew as soon as I could not hear his pulse. He was dead. I read the note and he had written :

Dear Mandisa.

By the time you read this letter my spirit would have long separated from my entire body, I am so sorry that the last memory of me will be this traumatizing. I am so sorry for all the sorrow that I have introduced in your daily life. It was never my intention I was slowly getting better but you

You deserve a whole lot more than the animal that I am. I am sorry for all those times you would apologize for certain things that weren’t your fault. It was always my fault and forever it would remain that way, everything is my fault just as Aunt Babalwa used to say including the death of my parents. Mandisa, you own such a beautiful heart that always puts other people’s needs and feelings first, yours after. I’m truly sorry for portraying myself as a human being, I never knew how much of an animal I had become over the years. You were young and naïve when we first met and I knew in no time that I would have you eating out of the palm of my hand. I really do hope that you find someone with the purest of hearts, who will appreciate you for who you are and aspire to become. We were never meant to be. Till we meet again, my love.

Konkekuhle.

***

New Beginning, Once Again.

Two years after the passing of Kuhle and grief had surely taken its toll on me.

I was struggling with the passing of Kuhle so much that Sam and I had to take a break, he could

not stand being with someone who’s still in love with the dead and he was right, I had not gotten enough strength to move on even though I knew one way or the other I had to.

Sam and I had met at the laboratory that he was working at. He also worked as a laboratory scientist. We had shared so much from laughter to tears. He had picked me up when I was fallen and I did the same. A month later I decided to focus on my relationship or rather “situationship” as we were still uncertain about it at first, we never really knew where our love would take us.

For the first time in five years, I felt safe and secure knowing that Sam was around. In the midst of all the trials and tribulations, in Sam I would find rest. In the midst of all the insecurities, he embraced my flaws and imperfections in such a way that can never be articulated. He was never perfect and so wasn’t I.

He was my home, he still is. A love so loud that goes beyond the concrete walls. So warm and welcoming with a wide smile screaming that everything will be alright and I would be in one piece eventually. One that overcomes so many challenges but not give up on each other. One that has no doubts, so extraordinary and yet so perfect. One that I found in Sam. I had found Sam and he had found me. I found what I had thought I found in Kuhle but did not.

I had found love, I had found Sam.