Melusi

 

It has been 3 days and Melokuhle has still not come out of that nursery room. I wish there was something I could do to make her snap out of all the pain that is consuming her and allow the hurt to take over, so that she can start healing. 

I have been very patient with her but my patience has been running quite thin. I miss my wife and not having her on my bedside for 3 days has been driving me insane. I want to hold her, rock her in my arms and tell her how much I love her. I am this close to kicking down the door and dragging my wife out of that room, the only thing holding me back is the full house that I seem to have in the past few days.  

The PB&J, I had made her early this morning is still left untouched, it is still in the same spot that I left it in, which is beside the door. I was hoping that she would come out and take the plate, but she has not dared to eat anything other than an apple here and there. She only comes out at midnight. I always hear her feet shuffling out of the bedroom to the kitchen. I thought about going to her but then I figured that she needed her time to be alone and that when she was ready she’d come to me. 

How I wish I could take the pain away from her and let me feel it but I can’t no matter how much I wanted to. 

I took the plate away from the floor and placed it on the kitchen counter. “She still has not come out?” Lizzie asked, taking the plate and placing it inside the microwave.

I shook my head, “Her mother just arrived which means she can look after her while we go to the cemetery.” Lizzie said, turning around to look at me.

I have been pushing this whole thing back, busy coming up with every excuse there is in the world for me to use but now I have run out of excuses to use, I have no choice but to go. 

The drive to the cemetery was quiet, nerves built inside of me the moment we got out of the house. I have been tense throughout the whole drive that even when Lizzie tried to talk I only gave her a one worded answer, she eventually gave up trying to talk to me. 

When the car rolled inside the cemetery my skin had goosebumps all over it realising that we were really doing this whole thing, Lizzie instructed me where to turn and where not to turn. “It is here.” She said, looking out the window. 

I slowed the car and saw their tombstone in grey and black, it looked like someone had been cleaning it and I can only guess that it was Lizzie who came to visit them.

“I’ll wait here.” She unbuckled her seat belt, sat more comfortably and nodded to me to go ahead. After all, this is the journey I have to take alone. Lizzie had done enough already for me; she couldn’t keep holding my hand, while I dreaded taking the next step. 

I took a deep breath and formed a tight fist to keep my hands from shaking. I opened the car and slowly got out. I am never one to get nervous but now having to face my parent’s grave makes my stomach do a backflip and make my hands wet with sweat.

I knelt down and looked at their tombstone which is written something basic like You will be missed by your loved one. Always.

Who the fuck came up with this? I shaked my head in total disappointment, I run my fingers on the black and grey marble of the grave and bite down the nerves. This is now or never “Hi Mom and Dad.” it feels weird having to do this, having to talk alone, with no one there to respond to you, I feel like a total idiot but I carry on nonetheless. 

“It is me, your son Melusi.” I spoke with a heavy heart, “A lot has changed ever since you guys passed away, I have found the love of my life, Melokuhle. I love her dearly, I wish you guys were here to see her.”

I smiled a little. “She is smart, beautiful and I love her. I know that I haven’t done things right away. I know that now. I know that I should have informed you and Mom and the rest of our ancestors about me moving in a new direction, I am willing to make things right. You didn’t have to punish me like that, I did not have to lose my baby. Melokuhle and I shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble for you all to make your point but I understand now and I am ready to do things the right way.”

I took a deep breath “I’ll take Melokuhle to KZN where everything began, to a home that I was raised in, where my umbilical cord lies and I will make a ceremony to welcome Melokuhle into the Xaba family properly and I am sorry it had taken me this long to visit you but I am here now and I will continue visiting from now on, next time I will bring Melokuhle with me to introduce you both to her properly, so please open my way to make this possible. Xaba, Nonkosi! Mashwabada, Owashwabadeli iIzindlubu namakhasi, Washwabadelinkomo nezimpondo, Abahle Phulisinkwa siyebandla, Basebethi sihleshulwe umntwana, Kanti sihleshulwe nguMlandakazi! Nomboko zinde, Mlotshwa! Nina bakwaSinxe siyakhathala, Nonkosi omuhle nonyawo lwakhe Zala kubusa nokuncishana! ” I recited my clan names that Lizzie had been teaching me.

I stood up and went back into the car, with my heart now light as a feather, “Next week we’re doing the ceremony.” I sat inside the car, my fingers drumming on the steering wheel. “You did a good thing.” Lizzie fastened her seatbelt and patted me on the back.” 

I don’t know what I was expecting but I didn’t think after talking to the grave I would be feeling this free. When was the last time I ever felt this relaxed like I can do anything that I want. 

Now one thing that is left is for me to do the ceremony to welcome Melokuhle properly and for our baby. The thought still hurts me each and whenever I am lying alone in the bedroom. I often think about the baby and what it would have been like if the baby had actually made it but each day I wake up and try to be strong for both me and Melokuhle. She needs me right now and I have to be ready for whenever she’ll come out of that room and be able to embrace her. 

I take a deep breath before driving out of the cemetery, hopefully taking this huge step will help put things back to normal.