Melokuhle



My eyes slowly opened, I craned my neck a little and my eyes met with Melusi sleeping on the small chair that I’m sure is hurting him. He looks so worn out, in just a couple of hours that he has been here he looks so drained. “Melusi.” his eyes opened and he sat up straight “Hey.” He smiled just a little when my eyes meet with him. I can see the pain in his eyes too. He takes my hand and kisses it.

“Are you okay? Do you need anything? Are you hungry? Are you comfortable?” Melusi fusses over me making me smile, reminding me of the time when he found out I was pregnant he made sure that I was treated like a baby, he stood up getting ready go to out “Please don’t leave me” He looked at me and sits back down on the chair that is too small for for him, his legs are sticking out but he does not complain.

My heart drops and so does my spirit when I remember that I’m no longer pregnant, that there is no baby in my stomach right now. My eyes well up with tears, Melusi quickly comes up to me and wraps me in his arms. 

He smells like coffee and his strong cologne is the only thing that I sniff he I bury my face in his chest, I held onto him tight as I cried. I thought that there would be no more tears to shed but hear I am breaking down all over again. 

Melusi cups my face, kisses my forehead and wipes my tears away, I looked down at my fiddling hands, ridden with shame and guilt. “I’m sorry,” I murmured a little, feeling my heart break into tiny little pieces. “It is all my fault, I should have done better at protecting the baby, it is my fault Melusi.” More tears came. Melusi took me in his arms again and held me there until I could breathe a little bit better without having any hiccups. 

“It’s not your fault.” He said softly, rubbing my back. “It was never your fault.” 

I shake my head “But why does it feel like it is my fault? I failed at being a woman, I failed at one job of being a woman. Blame me.” 

“I want you to stop saying that,” He lifted my chin up so that I was looking at him. “If there’s anyone to blame, blame me.” He spoke in a tender voice dripping with sorrow.

His shoulders dropped and he sighed “I should have been there with you.” He shaked his head “I keep thinking that if only I had arrived a minute too early maybe I could have done something, maybe we wouldn’t be here.” 

“Do you know how much it kills me to think that you were alone, you were all alone and that I was not there to hold you and offer you some sympathetic words. Do you know how much I wished to just take back the hands of time and change everything and how I wish I could take away the pain that you are feeling right now so that you don’t have to feel none of it but I can’t. “

We went quiet for a little while and I realised just how selfish I had been and that I had never thought how this may have affected Melusi after all it was his baby too. 

I feel at home when I am lying here in his arms like this is right here is where I belong. 

“Lizzie thinks this was caused by the ancestors because I didn’t do an ancestral ceremony to welcome you properly into the Xaba family.” He casts his eyes down “If you really want anyone to blame, blame me for failing to do things right.”

It was my turn to lift his chin up and wrap my arms around him “I don’t blame you.” I laid my head on his hard chest.

“Take me out of here,” I said after a while, breaking the silence that we were comfortable sitting in. I have grown tired of the beeping of the machine and the sterile smell of the hospital that if I have to stay one minute in here I will go crazy.

“Okay.” 

In an hour Melusi had managed to pull through strings or maybe he had to intimidate the doctor to let me out of here and just like that I was discharged. After changing the hospital gown and wearing some fresh clothes that my mother had to go buy quickly I was already being wheeled out of this place that gave me the creeps, I sat on the back seat with Lizzie and my parents followed closely behind with their car.

My mother insisted we go to her house fearing that I would be depressed going back into that new house again but I declined, I have to go back to my own house even if I will have to relive everything all over again, I have to learn to live with all of this the sooner the better.

The wheels of the car rolled into the yard and Melusi helped me out of the car. We slowly walked inside the house, and nerves started making their way all over my body wishing that I could tell Melusi to turn me around and take me anywhere else but here. I dug my nails into my skin and swallowed all the words that were sitting at the tip of my tongue. 

“Sit here in the kitchen.” My mother said when we walked, I shook my head and walked into the direction of my bedroom against the better judgement of everyone else but I carried on, everyone was so quiet scared to say anything at all as if I would break into an uncontrollable mess if they dared breath the wrong way.

I slowly pushed the door open thinking that maybe I would be met by the now dried blood on the floor but instead, there were no traces of blood anywhere, it was like nothing had happened here in this room, the wooden floor are squeaky clean which tells me that Melusi had called in the cleaners when I had let him know that I wanted out of the hospital.

Melusi came to help me stand up straight, when I almost lost my balance. I wanted to snuggle a little closer in his arm and feel the warmth of his body but I moved out of Melusi’s arms if I stayed a second longer I would have broke down into tears, I leaned against the wall and slowly balanced myself with the cabinet of drawers, I walked out after spending a few minutes walking slowly taking each step with utmost care, with Melusi following safely behind ready to catch me when I can no longer walk. I walked into what was supposed to be the baby’s room and my heart broke the minute I stepped foot into it like a person just took a hammer and smashed it into a million pieces.

Everything is the same as it was yesterday, a sob choked me on my throat, I sat down on the rocking chair and tears exploded from my eyes.

Melusi slowly walked inside the room, careful not to startle me. He sat on the other chair, took the stuffed animal and held it in his hands. “I should have made sure that this room was cleared.”

I shook my head “I’m glad you didn’t,” I choked on my tears “I want to be the one who puts everything away.”

I curled on the chair and cried l, Melusi sat beside me and never once left me.