Melusi



I managed to gather enough courage to stand up and pulled myself together and walked inside Melokuhle’s room, I found her soundly asleep. It’s probably the sedatives that they gave her to help calm her and make her sleep since she was crying a lot.

I kissed her forehead, I walk softly not wanting to disturb her, hoping that she would be able to get some good sleep. I whispered I love you before slipping out of the room without making a sound.

I found Lizzie and Christina sitting together in the waiting area, Christina with a cup of coffee in her hand and Lizzie sitting there with her intertwined fingers when I walked out they both looked up. Steve was nowhere in sight, he was probably outside letting some steam out, I wish I could be out there too. I am sick of the hospital smell already and I could use a bit of fresh air but having to leave it feels like a betrayal to Melokuhle who is in that bed, so instead I join Lizzie and Christina and stand beside the wall with my hands in my pockets.

“Lawa amashwa. (These are bad luck.)” Lizzie said, with her fingers still intertwined she looked down at the grey hospital floors and shook her head.

“No, it isn’t,” I answered, I never in my life believed in such things as good or bad lucks. I lived on the belief that a person must work hard to get something that they want and sometimes they won’t be able to reach for whatever that they want and that is okay, which does not mean it is bad luck

She shakes her head “Your mother believed in ancestors and practised her tradition. When was the last time that you visited your parent’s grave? Did you let your parent’s know that you were getting married when you married Melokuhle? uMelokuhle akathelwanga ngenyongo (Melokuhle was not bathed with bile) akazange ahlanganiswe nabaphansi (was not introduced to the ancestors.) Maybe that’s why you guys have so many problems in your marriage.” Lizzie looked up at me.

I shook my head, I never believed in ancestral things not that I think that they are demonic, I just never understood the thought of having to slaughter animals for dead people and thanking them for things you had to work hard for and if you don’t thank them that will get angry or some nonsense like that. I knew how much my mother loved those ceremonies pf hers and how she would do ceremonies to thank the ancestors but I never saw the point in all of that.

I never understood the thought of having to thank dead people, what can they do? What did they even do?

I don’t believe in God and I sure as hell don’t believe in ancestors.

If my mother had been here to hear my thoughts she would have slapped my head so hard that I would not be able to think straight for a minute and called me stupid for even having such thoughts, even though my mother was deeply invested in ancestral things my father was never that involved too unless my mother was performing a ceremony but he would never go and light impepho and try talk to the ancestors the only thing he believed in was God, but he never went to church but he could tell you any scripture there is in the bible.

I shook my head and walked over to Melokuhle’s door and watched her from the tiny window on the door where she was still sleeping soundly. Could this be really the case of ancestors being angry for not following their ways? And not doing things right? I don’t even know why I am entertaining these kinds of thoughts but who else can explain such pain that Melokuhle and I have experienced ever since we were together, what if it is true? What if my parents are angry that I never visit them or that I never told them about the woman in life.

It’s crazy that I am even having these thoughts but what if it is true? What if wherever my mother is, she is very angry with me? I let out a chuckle, I have indeed gone crazy but what other direction must I choose when I feel this stuck?

I turned to face Lizzie and Christina who both were looking at me, wondering what was forming in my brain. I nodded slightly and licked my dry lips, “What must happen now?” I mean what is the harm in trying the path of ancestors.

Lizzie let out the air that she was holding and nodded in agreement. “You need to visit your parent’s grave, that’s the first thing you have to do, go and tell them about your wife, tell them about your kid too and,” She went on to talk about the gazillion things that I have to do.

I closed my eyes and leaned against the door. My mind had been going wild for the past few hours thinking about how Melokuhle had felt at that moment how scared she sounded on the phone and that I was never there, I was never there to hold her and reassure her that everything was going to okay and wipe her tears from her face, guilt has been eating me making everything hard it for me to do anything but think.

I wanted to rush over, teleport to her at that moment when she felt the pain or saw the blood and try to do something to ease her pain, maybe hold her hand, it wouldn’t have stopped the miscarriage but at least I would have been there with her and she wouldn’t have had to go through such pain and horror alone. It’s crazy to think how we were so happy yesterday in that pool watching a movie and later we gazed at the stars before turning in, everything felt magical like a moment ripped out from those cheesy fairytale movies and today it is like we just stepped into the saddest movie there is and how we are now forced into mourning the death of our unborn baby who didn’t get to breath his or her first breath, sometimes the universe can be cruel and unforgiving.

“You’ll have to name your baby.” Lizzie continued bringing me back yo the present moment “So that she or he finds their way to your parents and be with them in the spirit world.”

I can’t remember the last time I was a mess like this, having no idea where to go or what to do, probably when I had separated from Melokuhle. That was the only time I felt pain that cut deeper in my heart but now it is different. This pain hits ten times more than what I have ever felt in my entire life.

Everything is happening too fast for my brain to grasp, it is like I am forcefully fed information not caring if it is registering in my brain or not and all I can do is to accept it as it is spoofed to me.

“Okay let’s do this as soon as possible.” There is no point in waiting, if we are going to do this we might as well start now before I get any cold feet.

Lizzie nodded, “Do you still remember your parent’s grave.” guilt hit me so hard that it knocked the air right out of my chest, when was the last time I had visited my parent’s grave? It has been years. I’m sure the grave now is unrecognisable.

“I’ll take you.”

“Okay,” I pushed the door open and went inside Melokuhle’s room. I sat on the chair by her side and held her hand, I hate seeing her like this “I’m sorry.” I kissed her hand and just sat there not wanting to leave her side.