Melokuhle



I heard chattering when I opened up my eyes only to be met by my mother and my father, presence, the chattering stopped. My parents looked at each other before looking back at me, my mother smiled warmly while mother father just stood there awkwardly looking at me.

I looked around the room, this is definitely not my room, I rubbed my eyes trying to piece everything together, all I remember is calling Melusi and being in his arms, and how I have been drifting in and out of consciousness.

When I try to sit up straight I realised that it hurts me to do so. My mother quickly landed me a helping hand and adjusted the pillows so that I would be able to sit upright. 

I looked at the sterile white walls of my room, my eyes scan for Melusi but he isn’t here. My hand reaches my stomach, usually, I do feel the presence of my baby but now I feel alone, like the baby isn’t here. My heart drops to the pit of my stomach and tears well up in my eyes

I looked at my mother again and noticed that her eyes were bloodshot red. She must have been crying, “What’s going on?” I refuse to entertain the thought that it has to be about my baby. 

My mother shook her head and held my arm. “I’m sorry baby,” She didn’t need to carry on, I knew exactly what she wanted to say and I shook my head “No.” This can’t be, I can’t possibly have lost my baby. I broke down and curled up in a ball. How? Is all the question that is ringing in my head, How did it happen? We were so happy about the baby, I wanted this baby. Why? Why did I have to lose the one thing that I have wanted with all of my heart?

“The doctors did everything they could.” My father added, walking to the other side of the bed and rubbing my shoulder, but nothing that they could say could remove the hurtness that seemed to be engraved in my heart. It feels like someone has plunged a dagger right into my heart and they just keep on twisting it over and over again

Is that why Melusi is not here? I thought to myself as fresh new pool of tears came out. Is it because he blames me for losing our baby? I wouldn’t blame him, I blame myself too. This is all my fault. I failed at one thing at being a woman and that is to carry a baby to full term. 

I feel so cold without Melusi here with me, I hoped that he would be here when I woke up and that he would be the first person that I got to see, even though my parents are here it’s not the same as having Melusi by my side. 

I covered myself with the thin hospital blanket and cried, mourning the loss of my baby. I let the pain consume me and I allow it as I cry, letting out a gut-wrenching cry from the pit of my stomach.

Melusi

I sat in the hallway on the floor with my legs pulled together, I managed to get out before Melokuhle even woke up. I couldn’t bear to look at her and tell her that we lost our baby. I thought that I could manage but I changed my mind at the last second. 

I didn’t want to see the pain in her eyes as I told her the news, I also didn’t want her to see me crumbling down into many pieces trying to hold myself together, I wanted to be strong for her but how could I do that when I feel like everything is just tumbling down on me.

I can still hear her screams mingled with her cries when she called me earlier when I was out and now I have to hear that very same sound that leaves me feeling like I have been cut into two pieces. I hate the broken sounds she makes. There’s raw pain in her cries as she wails, she sounds so broken that it just rips my heart apart and makes me feel empty.

I want to go in there and wrap her tight in my arms and tell her that everything is going to be alright but how can I do that? How can I go in there and tell her everything is going to be alright when I can barely see the light at the end of the tunnel.

How can I be strong for her when I feel like I have the weight of the world’s problems on my shoulders?

Why must we have to suffer so much pain? I lift up my head only to see Lizzie hurrying over to me almost half running, she envelopes me in her arms and apologises for arriving and that there was traffic but I don’t care I just fall into her arms.

She holds me tight as I cry in her arms, all the pain that I have been keeping inside of me I let it out. I might look funny to anyone who might be looking at us, sich a big man like me is hugged by a small petite frame, but I don’t care. All I need is Lizzie’s hug.

I let everything out as Lizzie pats my back, she holds me in her arms until I am able to compose myself and bring myself together again.

She wiped my tears and squeezed my hand, she doesn’t offer any meaningless advice telling me that everything is going to be okay. She knows when it’s time to talk and time to offer support in silence.

And right now is her time to offer her support in silence.

“Let me go see Melokuhle, okay? Have you eaten anything?” She asks standing up and fixing her skirt.

I shake my head, it has been so hard to stomach anything that I have even given up trying to eat. She nodded “I’ll grab you something soon.” She opened the door and steps inside the room where Melokuhle is. 

Steve walks out and joins me in the hallway. “How is she?” I stood up.

Steve shrugged his shoulders looking heavy with tension, “Not good.” He stated, shaking his head “I have never seen her in so much pain before.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets and leaned against the door “She needs you.”

I nodded my head, I know that she needs me as much as I need her and that eventually I will go and be with her and hold her in my arms but for now I just have a little bit more time to gather my emotions before I can allow myself to step into that room. “I know.”

I sit back down on the floor, with my hands on my head and my knees drawn up. My heart is heavy and so is my soul. Today was supposed to be a good day, celebrating our love and just enjoying each other’s company but instead, we are here at the hospital and we will be leaving here without our baby nestled safely in Melokuhle’s stomach.

How I wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently, maybe if I hadn’t left or if I had arrived a minute too early maybe, just maybe, the baby could have made it, but there is no time machine that I can take and run back in time and fix all of this.

All I have to do is to walk through the pain that is building inside of me.I am filled with so many maybe’s and so many self doubts that I can make a pool out of all of them and swim in my own worries.