One has always lived life full of distractions, thinking only of the future and what I really forgot is the past and what it would do to my present. I keep on thinking that I’m doing what’s right but only to find out that I’m doing the worst …I’m doing what could hit back or backfire. At times I feel like I don’t deserve better, when something good happens it feels too good to be true, why? Because I always think the good is good for others not for me.

I do good to others yet I have accepted that when someone does good to me I don’t deserve it…like is wrong. I can’t change the good in me for others. You might say I’m stupid or laugh at me saying that I’m blind, or i have been Bewitched. How do I become hard, strong, vindictive, serious??? That’s what I ask myself everyday. I need to be heard but when I do that the response is not the same. That keeps on making me weak and keeps on making me give up.

I would say these words…” I’m not good, why me, what did I do for people to treat me like this”??

I end up drinking alcohol because then I feel happy and never have to think of my problems. If only I can get 2 or 3 glasses of wine than sleep I’m okey. It’s like that the only thing to calm me down, away from thinking the worst of myself. Before depression come back I have to do that because if not than I start thinking a lot I lose my mind, than I end up sitting alone in a dark room with my wine.

What is this, I feel like I dont know happiness anymore. With that glass of wine I can think straight but when I don’t , I’m very stupid.

Because I’m short and because I am always bubbly people don’t know how I feel deep in side, what I’m going through, how I survive, how I’m dealing with things, I’m so lonely, angry alone…..am I depressed?

I refuse that because I hate being sick, my word means nothing to others. The other thing that calms me is music I start realising my gift the dance moves I create with my mind, I miss the stage. Yet I think again my time is gone, who do I think I am there are better dancers than me.

I am having conflict with my emotions, intrapersonal communication. Why does it feel like I’m failing in life??

I’m holding back even in a new relationship, wow I feel like I’m the problem.

Until I reunite with my mother I will maybe be filled with joy.