Summer of a distant year, Saturday just as the crispness of the afternoon set, he knocked on my door and as always, he’d be standing there patiently waiting for me to dress up and we’d go on a walk.

I still remember his warm hands when he held mine, which sent an uneasy feeling down my spine…

I had been going through a dilemma night after night, “should I leave him or will things get better?” I chose to stay. But each time I was with him I’d feel like an embodiment of his failures. His love had turned into a battle of projections and passive hatred, but my confusion had always been that I was not one of the many partners he had that broke him and yet I was crucified.

My whole being changed, my smile slowly faded .

“Where to today?” I asked, and the childlike excitement in his eyes was sparkling more than ever, it’s moments like those that clouded my judgement. “We’re going to the park today, I thought we’d do with some fresh air” he said, and we walked side by side as I dived back deep into the deepest pits of my thoughts.

I knew he didn’t like this new me, he hated it, it infuriated him. But it was his fault, his love had conditions…

It’s the reason why I was the way I was, the reason why I was eager to at least elevate what I had left of myself instead of digging at graves looking for a corpse of who I once was. It was as if he was put in my life to cut me open and look for functioning parts that he could replace his with, and in doing that the reflections of things he despised never left the scene, they radiated in my being.

With that, the tables had turned, the unconditional love I showed him he claimed as his. The void he put in me disgusted him and as much as he tried to hide it, he never looked at me the same again. From time to time I always wonder, “what if he were to put me back together?” , but what a misfortune it is that I’ve become so frail and will not go back to before.

“Hey love are you listening?” he asked in an attempt to get my attention.

“Yeah sorry I am, you’re right these roses have a pretty colour” I smiled

He bent down and took one of them and put it in my hair. We continued with our walk and as we kept going, he was ever so chatty but my heart was at war.