Growing up I grew up in a family of 10 members:me,my aunt,my grandmother,and my seven cousins.i don’t know a mother s love from my own mother.under certain circumstances I was raised by another woman who’s my aunt,my mother s younger sister,it was really not nice not knowing your parents infact your identity,not knowing who you are beacause even today am still closed to aunt than my mom,am attached to my cousin’s than my siblings.To tell you truth am still stuck beacause things for me arent going so well , planning a future without a mother s love is isn’t good,am always crying for no reason because firstly I don’t know my father,I wasn’t really attached to him even when he was still alive,my life became miserable For the first time I got raped at a very younger age,even today it feels like it was yesterday,my heart bleeds blood because no one pays attention to that cruel thing that has happened to me.I was only Five years old when I got raped by a someone who is very closed to me,my blood ,this person wasn’t even ashamed of pushing me on his single bed and pull down my panty so he can satisfy himself,I was so in pain I don’t want to lie, coming to think that it was only two of us in house no one was home that time,my grandmother was out and I came home feeling hungry and I wanted foods to eat only to find out that I came home at wrong time where nobody was there but only my uncle who was home alone cooking in his house.When I call him to give me foods he calls me to enter his house and he said I should take foods on the table because there was meat on his table,when I enter he closed the door and take me to his bedroom to satisfy himself.

It was really so painful as I was just a five year old kid Who Dont know anything above these things,it was really very moment for me and I didn’t even tell anyone about this.I was scared of life after that incident,I was sacred of everyone the house because the very same people who must protect me would suddenly show me flames,I hated my uncle for the rest of my life until he died and my heart was still bleeding blood because no one knew about what he has done to me ,even the time he was dead I didn’t even mourn for him,in heart I just said ” go to hell dog” ,I did went to his funeral but I didn’t go to the graveyard because am still in pain and one will understand the pain am still loving with.Not so long after I got raped by my uncle I was raped again by my aunt s neighbour,he was a giant ,tall,black guy with short beard and we were playing in his home as kids we were just running around his home playing and next thing he calls me in his room,beacause I don’t know his intentions and for me I took him as a big brother who maybe what I thought was he was going to tell me something,the moment I stand on his door he grabbed my hand ,on the floor there was a mattress with a pillow on top of it then he quickly pushed me down and pull my panty so that he can satisfy himself,what a cruel moment for me,I cried,and cried until he finished whatever he’s doing and after that he opens a door for me,those kids who I was playing with when I got out I found them gone,all of them even my younger cousin was gone home and I don’t know if wether she her sister because when I go home I found only my cousin sister and her big sister and I was not crying anymore ,I just stopped crying ,and they run a bath for me and it was just like that no one asked about anything,about my whereabouts nothing,it was maybe late but not that too much late because outside it was not really dark.what I went through I don’t want any of my kids to go through what I’ve went,I don’t trust males near my kids.At this moment I heard that my aunt s neighbour is mentally ill,what’s going through my mind is that maybe God I fighting for me because no one cares about my life,I mean even my mother,she just gave birth to me and hand me to another woman,I blame her for everything that has happened to me because her brother saw me as a wife to him and he decided to rape me and never apologised to me even when grown up he never apologised and he never told his sister and for that I don’t think I will heal.

As for my aunt s neighbour I don’t even know what to say to cousin sister who was playing with me the time I got raped beacause what has she done when she got home?did she even told her sister that I was locked in his room? Or even when she maybe tries to talk what has her sister done?she has done nothing and she didn’t even asked her where s the other one,they just kept quiet,and life goes on while am living in pain.That scar never heals as when time goes on,my big cousin sister called me in a house while she was ironing clothes,she called me and I was outside playing ,when I enter the house I found my other two cousins who were boys at that time,on the floor there was a mattress and a pillow and she directed me to sleep on it,as a kid I did exactly what I was being told,she opens my legs and calls my cousin’s who were just standing there watching me naked,she called her younger brother to come on top of me,her brother refused,she then called my other cousin,he also refused,she then get on top of me and do the deed.Ive been through hell and am no longer feeling like I have family, when I say family I mean my partner and my kids only.

Life is tough for some of us but we walk as if we don’t have problems but no ,we have lots on our heads and we carriy a load that not one will appreciate and take that load to his or her shoulder.But indeed I really had a tough background ,I remember I was in grade four when I start to meet with my mother,who lived another village which you can take one taxi to go there,she got married there and she was living with my siblings and my father,the time my aunt took me to her it was the time I have to bury my father and after burial I started living with my mother,she was not treating me as same as other kids,she was always bad-mouthing me and says am a domnkop.I remember going to school with no shoes,no pen and my uniform was a second hand,I finished my matric with second hand uniform,or I can say I was a charity case,when I approach a woman and she descover that I don’t have uniform,she will go and take her kids uniform and give me ,even clothes, people were giving me their unwanted clothes so that I can atleast wear,life was so painful for me.

But because I serve a living God I was always at church praying God to save and help me in life to succeed and erase all the pain I went through.while I was not in church I was in school studying alone or going to bush to collect some fire woods just to clear my mind.At home when I watch television my mother would just send my siblings to switch it off,and when I go to sleep she would gossip about me to other siblings and tell them that one she will herself.During school days I used to wake up at 3am and make fire, clean and sometimes go to bush at 6am to collect fire woods because my mother used to hide electrical kettle for me to not plug but other siblings and my sister were using it,I sometimes go to school not bathing beacause I was making fire and cook for my mother and put pots with hot water so what when time is 7am I know I will bath,my mother will wake up before I even bath,take all hot water and give to my other siblings and I was studying science,my science teacher at 7,30 am would want us at school for morning study,I was just wearing uniform and go,at school I quickly wash my face on a tap and attend my class.

I suffered in my aunt s house even in my mother s house,she was sometimes beating me before going to school,one mistake my siblings will tell her every move I do and she will just call me and beat me ,at school I would not concentrate I would just cry.In grade 11 it happens to have one percent pass rate,and I was the only one who passed in the middle of the year, school students started to call me a witch,life was hard for me and I continue going school with those students who didn’t want me near them,and my science teacher died my mother was called a witch and people were saying she killed that teacher,just because I passed alone.No problem time went by until I enter my matric it was still a hard time for me as my mother got a kitchen job far from home I had to look for my siblings and my grandmother who came with me the time I buried my father,my grandmother was sick I have to look after her until my aunt came again and take her to hospital after that she took her to stay with her again until she s no more.I had to bury my science teacher who was also my principal,my inspiration and my everything again I have to bury my grandmother and also l was pregnant at the same time.i was pregnant,no ID,nothing,I wrote my matric with my birth certificate,my mother will swear at me and when she help me to get an ID,things don’t go well and my ID end up not coming up,until was helped by my grandmother from my partenal side,and the ID didn’t take long,it appears on a system and finally I have my own ID.All thanks to my grandmother.

I gave birth,after giving birth my mother carry on with her old behaviour treating me badly,she even told my brother’s to beat me even when I was breastfeeding, until I run away with my child at night back to my aunt because the pressure at home was too much,at my aunt she treated me badly just like her sister until I go to my baby daddy to be with him at his home

Even there it was not nice but atleast I was not abused like my family,

In short I just say don’t give up in life because you never know what God s plan is in for you,life can be so hard sometimes but never ever regret being on Earth, always know that Jesus also suffered for Him to be prayed today, don’t ever give or commit suicide beacause life is hard for you,just stay positive and pray 🙏God will find a way for you

Am still struggling but atleast i thank my man beacause he loves me unconditionally and support me in any way,and for my kids am so grateful to have them because when I call family I mean them,people who are closed to my hard to understand me anyhow and not judge me.Am grateful for a woman I become today because I am a parent and a very passionate young lady who is strong and energetic to life no matter the circumstances.

Thank you all